Update on my mom, who had a stroke last Saturday night.

My heart continues to break, but not without small blessings.

I was shopping with my mom last Saturday morning and then got a call from my aunt that night saying she was in an ambulance on her way to the ER. We were told she had a massive brain bleed that led to a massive stroke. She remained unconscious all week and we decided to go through with removing the breathing tube. We were told under no uncertain terms that the language and communication centers in her brain were entirely gone. She would never be able to read, write, speak, or understand language ever again. Add to the fact that she was paralyzed on her right side, and we already knew our decision.

She was a hospice nurse for nearly 2 decades, and a home care/assisted living nurse for another decade after that. Growing up, she made is VERY clear that she did NOT want to be left with all kinds of tubes, barely conscious, and unable to function. It would reduce her quality of life to nearly nothing.

She used to tell us “leave me the bottle of morphine and a syringe...I’ll handle the rest.”

Well, she couldn’t do that. So we did what we could for her. The day they removed her tube, she was awake and aware more so than any other since her stroke. I walked in the room and she saw me and smiled. I took off the soft restraint on her arm and held her hand. She stared at my face for a long time. I cried and looked right back at her. She was so, so peaceful. I think she knew. My sister came and so did my oldest niece, who begged us to see her before she passed (they were so incredibly close and we believe she was mature enough to handle it. She’s still returning to her therapist to try to help her cope, though).

A few hours passed and they did a final neurological exam and confirmed that she would not be able to recover any sort of quality of life. We decided to take out the tube. Her good friend is also a nurse in that hospital, and she was with her the whole time. We came back in as soon as the tube was out and I sat right back down next to her while she struggled to breathe.

They had her on multiple sedatives and pain killers, and during her last hour they continually upped the dose and gave her more to ensure she was entirely out of pain. At one point, she gently squeezed my hand and I looked up and her beautiful blue eyes (the ones she gave to me and my sister) were looking back at me so calmly. I told her it was okay to let go, that she had taught us everything we needed to know and that we would take care of each other and our “girl gang”. Within a few more excruciating moments, I watched her pulse stop beating in her throat and her breaths coming further apart and then not at all.

Let me tell you, the relief was immense. She was no longer in this prison of her body and mind. She was no longer in pain. But that relief is short lived.

I’m having my first baby in about a month, and my mother, my best friend, will never hold her. I am in agony when I think about it so I try not to. She was so excited for me. She loved my baby so much already. I hope she is snuggling my Nora now before she comes to me. Her and my dad are probably fighting over her as we speak.

The day my mom died my boyfriend looked at me, crying, and told me “This is going to bring miracles to us. God isn’t gonna just take her and not give us anything in return”

My sisters best friend, who we all love dearly, has struggled with fertility for years. She’s had literally countless m/c’s and unbeknownst to us, she recently had an embryo transfer.

They told her today she has the highest HCG levels they’ve ever seen in her, and that the pregnancy may very well “stick” this time, so to speak. I have no doubt my mom got up there, picked up my baby for cuddles, and went straight to the Big Man Himself to talk his ear off about how much our friend deserves this.

Keep your fingers crossed for her, I can’t think of a better way to help lift everyone’s spirits than this.

Here is a picture of my radiant Momma. I can’t wait for the day I can see her again.