Is anyone else feeling this way?

Here we are, on our way to 9 months old, and it's still more and more of the same. Fussiness, won't nap, unpredictable night sleep, crying, won't go to anyone else other than myself or my husband, and just incessant whining all day. I stay home with her, and I do everything to entertain her and keep her stimulated, while not overstimulating her, but she just whines at me constantly. All day in the background of everything is her whining. I take her out places but I never know what's going to set her off, or if I'm gonna just waste time packing her all up, driving to wherever we're going, and then her just lose it 5 mins after getting there. Even a simple walk/stroller ride is terrifying because I never know if we're gonna get 20 mins away from home and her suddenly freak out and me have to carry her while pushing the stroller home.

My emotions are all over the place. I'm empathetic towards her, I feel sad for her, I'm angry towards her, resentful, feeling angry at myself, sorry for myself.

I feel so depressed. Not like, actual depression or needing meds, but just sadness and disappointment. I never thought motherhood would look like this for me. I love my sweet girl so much, but I feel dead inside. Going to church, family get togethers, dinner, etc is filled with anxiety because I don't know what mood she's going to be in, or if I'm gonna be able to keep her calm. I go through the motions and do everything I need to do to take care of her and get through the day, but sometimes I just have to sit down and cry. She's so draining. EVERYTHING is so hard with her. I just want one thing or one part of caring for her to be easy. I want her to be happy and easygoing. I realize the easygoing night not be in our cards, but I wish she was just happy.

Everyone loves her and wants to see her, hold her, play with her, and she's just not having any of it. People get so excited to, and look forward to seeing her, and 90% of the time it ends in disappointment. I feel embarrassed when this happens. I know it's not my fault and I can't control her emotions or reactions, but it feels embarrassing to have *that* baby. The unpredictable, screaming, fussy, won't let anyone look at her baby.

Yesterday was my birthday and she whined at me all morning while I tried to clean up and do her laundry, then she took her usual 30 minute cat nap, and then whined the whole rest of the morning while I got ready. We went over to my mom's to have a little birthday visit with her and my sisters, and she's crying as soon as we get there. After she calms down, my mom tries to hold her and she starts screaming. She gives her back. My sisters try to hold her, no luck. The whole visit turned into my sisters chatting together, my mom sitting in the recliner, and me trying to keep my LO happy. It was just so disappointing.

Idk, I guess I just needed to vent. Things are just still so hard with her, when I thought they'd be a little easier by now. :(