Feeling so empty

My husband and I have been together for nearly 3 years. I met him while he was in the process of divorcing his ex wife, who was pregnant at the time, so we have definitely been through some major crap. I love this man more than anything I ever have.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I have been ready for kids for years. I was thrilled to gain 2 step kids when I got married and I love them more than anything on the planet. But I want to experience motherhood myself. My husband knew this before we even began dating.

He said:

December 2017 we will start trying.

When December came, he said "let me divorce get finalized first." Understandable.

The divorce was finalized summer 2018. When it came, he said let's wait until Christmas. No reason to, but okay.

Christmas came, and he said wait until were married.

We got married in January. I didnt get to have my dream ceremony. He said, let's wait until we move closer to family. I guess, okay.

We moved closer to family in April. He said, let's wait until we buy a house. Okay.

So we bought a house. He said, let's wait until we move in. Okay.

We move into the house in the middle of June. I'm just waiting to see what excuse he comes up with.

I am so heartbroken. I feel so empty all of the time and cry myself to sleep often. Every time I bring it up he says we arent ready. How are we not ready? We are financially stable, own a house now, live by family, there's honestly nothing else we can do. I never would have married someone who didnt want children. He says he wants to have kids with me. But his actions are so different. How long do I stay? I'm not going to force someone to have kids with me, and he knew I wanted them before we even started dating.

The only answer he gives me is that he feels like a failure as a dad who couldnt make his previous marriage work (his ex cheated). He is scared to have kids again and for some reason our marriage doesnt work out. I have never given him any reason to think our marriage wouldnt work, but I understand his fear. We cant be scared to do things in fear that something might not work out.

Thanks for listening to my rant.❤

Pray for me.