So my last relationship I always felt bottled up. I basically could voice my concerns, heart ache or any stress without my significant other making me feel bad for expressing myself. He always play devils advocate and never be on my side of things. I learned to never voice my thoughts for years. So I ended it... which was the most difficult decision I’ve ever done. I cried for months, I loved him deeply but it was such a extremely toxic-verbal, gas-lighting, relationship... I won’t go into details of it all. There’s so much to explain of why I ended it. But basically it was just unhealthy and I was at my end and was going through massive breakdowns once a month from him and I fighting over the most confusing shit.. that just was toxic.

So now after 1 year of being alone.. I met someone that’s basically the opposite from my ex. He doesn’t scream at me or call me names, etc. He’s kind and it’s changed my view of love and relationships. But my habits of holding in stress and not expressing myself still took hold of me, even in my new healthy relationship.

So today, I broke down - it’s from a built up of personal issues and work related. I give a lot to the people in my life and I felt so drained.

I was on the couch today, scrolling through Instagram and texting a friend when my boyfriend got home. (I’m at his house. I drive in once a week to stay a few days. Because I live 2hrs away in another city. And he drives in to see me as well.) so I was on the couch. He walked in talking about his work day etc. He expressed his issues with a few work lated things and then he paused and stopped talking. He looked at me and sat on the couch as he began rubbing my feet. He asked “you okay? You look sad.” I replied “um im okay.” He looked concerned and replied back “Babe, did I do something wrong? You mad at me?” I began to cry as I pulled my sweater over my face. He admittedly pulled me into his arms as I cried. I told him I’m stressed with so many things and I feel as though I have to be the strong one in the relationship because he has a crazy life and is busy all the time - he’s a musician and tours, etc. And he deals with a lot and I’m afraid to express my issues.

He took my cheeks and squished them together (to try to make my laugh) and said “You’re my baby. I want to be able to be the strong one for you too. That’s what I’m here for. To hold you when you’re sad and carry you through life’s difficult moments.” Hearing those words then made me cry and he just held me. I had a tough week and he just let me cry. It was the most healing moment I had in a long time. He then carried me to the bedroom and brought me bubble water and snacks as he lay beside me and we talked.

I never knew what a healthy relationship felt like until now.

I hope you ladies out there that are feeling lost in a relationship, and feel as though you can’t express your heartache, because you always have to be the strong one. I’m with you and understand that pain. Find someone who can let you cry and not make you feel guilty for having a heart. You’re beautiful, and deserve to be listened and carried 🧡

Sorry for the messy grammar and random vent. I’m just writing this now as I’m just in the bathtub after this long day of tears.