A little sentimental..

This past week on Saturday night I was hospitalized because I had a very evil panic attack. I’ve never had one of these and the doctor told me it was pretty strange for a girl my age (I’m 20) she also told me to set up an appointment with my family doctor. I set my appointment and went.... my mom went with me because she is really worried about my well being... the doctor asked me simple questions like “have you been feeling hopeless..?” Etc and well I answered with honesty by saying I didn’t.

Thing is... after the appointment I kept asking myself that question. “Am I feeing hopeless?” “Do I just feel sad for no reason?” And then I start to tear up (like I’m doing rn while I’m writing this) and I start to really worry, idk but thinking and asking myself these questions makes me upset. Because I know that I am feeling hopeless and become sad for no reason.

I feel that part of it is because of my parents, they love me and care for me but sometimes they put a little too much pressure on the things I’m doing, my relationship and job.

My relationship with my in-laws is not the best. My boyfriend I moved in with them because the house we are in is my boyfriends but his parents are living there while they sell the other house so they can move to their home country. My mother in law always has something to say about the way I do things. If I help “you didn’t do much” if I don’t “ungrateful people”. My father in-law never tells me things in person and always sends my boyfriend to tell me. This in particular pisses me off. Like what type of person does he think I am? If I can take his wife’s criticism without bursting out cursing her out then I can handle his stuff.

My boyfriend on the other hand...well he doesn’t really stand up for me when his mom say stuff like that. I have expressed to him that I don’t deserve to be told that I’m ungrateful. His response? I know, I’m sorry I will tell her that.

All theses situations stress the hell out of me. I can’t really speak to anyone because

1. I have no friends

2. I’m too broke to go to a counselor

3. I don’t have the courage to tell someone I know this things and not feel like I’m a bother.