I’ve been pretty depressed lately. Like nothing can bring me joy, I feel as though I have a void in my heart nothing can fill, depressed. I’ve been doing a good job putting up a front, people hardly know I’m sad that’s how good I am at pretending.

My bf and I recently moved out of his moms house. She needed us to give up our room for her other son and his pregnant gf.

I’ve been with my bf six years and his family has been my family for six years. I feel so happy and comfortable with them. I have/had a great relationship with his mom. I would sit and talk with her for hours, care for her when she was sick, grocery shop for her whatever she needed and she was very caring of me and that was a new experience for me because my mom and I are very estranged and I didn’t know how much I secretly craved a mother daughter relationship until I saw the one I’ve built for the last 6 years get threatened.

When my bf and I made 5 years his younger brother got into his first serious relationship and since then everything changed. He moved her in and she got pregnant 3 months later. And last month my bf and I had to leave to make room for their new baby coming July.

My bf doesn’t understand why I’m so broken over this and honestly neither do I. He couldn’t wait to leave and I always knew we’d move one day but not under these circumstances. I think the circumstances of how we left is what hurts the most. They’re not my blood family I know it shouldn’t affect me like it is but it does. I feel so pushed aside, replaced and forgotten. It’s been about a month and no one’s reached out to me and neither did I but I was the one who had to leave not the other way around.

I’m not close with my mom or siblings I honestly feel like an outsider, we have nothing on common and I’ve always felt a distance even as a child. When I used to live at home I used to be depressed at how much I wasn’t cared about and how easily I was forgotten. I would be home in my room and my mom would come home and ask my sister if I was home yet and my sister would say no, after having a full conversation with me an hour ago (I was just forgettable) my mother would never come in my room to say hi or see for her self if I was home. She would check on everyone else but me. It went on like that for years. It became very toxic for me and so I stayed at my bfs house more frequently until i just stopped coming home all together. His mom always checked on me, made sure I was okay, happy, that I ate, asked about m day, always tended to me when I was sick. Always wanted me to get pregnant but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t used to being treated how she treated me I got so used to being forgotten and in the shadows that the attention she gave me I didn’t know in the end would be what destroyed me.

I just want to feel like the last 6 years of birthdays, Christmas’s, New Years, graduations etc. meant something to her. That I’m not forgettable or replaceable. But it seems that I am both and it hurts. Sometimes I wished I would’ve listened to my bf when he told me not to get attached to his mother he knew something like this could happen but my heart was so open and secretly yearning for love. Sometimes I wish I had gotten pregnant then maybe I wouldn’t have been discarded so easily.

I didn’t go to the baby shower two weeks ago. It’s too hard. All I can see this girl as is the one who pushed me out and took my place, my room, my second mother. I don’t need to be called petty I know how my feelings sound but at the end of the day they are how I feel and if I could change this heartache and rewire my brain not to feel this I would trust me. Now the birth of the baby is coming up in 2 or 3 weeks and I don’t think I can go or visit after the baby is born. Part of me feels like maybe I need to cut his family off and just work on myself and finding happiness instead of reopening a wound that doesn’t seem to be healing. I know there will be bad talk of me if I don’t but at this point does it matter?

I don’t know why i just can’t get it right with Mother’s. Sometimes I think it’s something about me that’s unlovable. My own mother basically told me I don’t have enough problems and that’s why she focuses on my siblings more. If only she knew how damaging that method is. You don’t need to cry everyday or self harm yourself to be in need of love and attention from your parents and you don’t need to do those things when you’re sad, in order to be qualified for being sad. Look at me I smile literally everyday people think I’m the happiest person but I’m so sad inside, the smile is literally a reflex because I don’t know any other way to be.

Anyways, I just needed to come on here and vent my feelings out.