I consider myself polyamourous by nature, as im definitely capable of liking & loving multiple people.

But I've always had pretty monogamous relationships. I've had casual-ish relationships without commitment, but with deeper connections, and I don't have interest in sex with strangers I'm pretty sure.

I used to have polyamourous daydreams before I knew polyamory existed, when I was 12-14. I think that's just my natural thing. I thought it should be normal to like many people and cultivate relationships with them.

Then, in my adult life, I started saying I was polyamourous or trying to do something more polyamourous off and on, when I was 19 i wanted to date around and not commit to anyone- but everyone wanted monogamy even though I was a virgin back then, it hurt people for me to see others so I stopped because I hated hurting people.

Then i identified as polyamourous at like 23-25, but I kept getting drawn into monogamous relationships because I do fall for people and love them and I want to make them happy even though monogamy seems weird to me.

I just think all love is special, I don't see why you have to stick to being in love with only one person to make it seem more special. Or especially only sleep with one person. A lot of the people I've dated don't understand my sentiments and I've gone along with monogamy to make them happy, because it isn't really hard, it just doesn't quite feel right? Im trying to do the right thing, but it feels weird.

In my last two relationships, I was shamed about sex in various ways and it has really hurt me, including relating to polyamory.

Now I'm single & having a hard time moving on and understanding what I really want, versus what others are comfortable with.

I'm having a hard time understanding how to have casual relationships as someone who only wants to deeply connect and I can't be bothered for anything fake or shallow...

And I'm having a hard time knowing if I should be fully polyamourous and how, I guess I should try it, but I just don't want to hurt anyone.

And I also fall in love with people who expect monogamy!?

Im not sure if i should be open to monogamy again! It's a little hard at first, but it's something I can do...

Like I want to be free, but im also becoming very interested in finding new people to connect with, im just afraid, I don't know what to do!

Im very confused if im really polyamourous or if I do prefer monogamy since it seems less complicated!

Oh, also, im not jealous, i don't mind a parter having other attractions and connections, I can be happy for them & I'd really like to find someone/s that feel the same way!