((Before reading this post, it's important to know I'm on the Autism Spectrum, which means I have these things called 'meltdowns'. For me, that means I shut down, can't control what I say or do (because I'm not aware of what I'm doing/where I am), get filled with adrenaline and sometimes forget the whole incident afterwards. It's also important to understand I wasn't even diagnosed until about a month ago, and nobody had even considered it at the time. It was misdiagnosed as Anxiety for years)).

About 6 months ago, I ended a friendship (albeit accidentally) with a MASSIVE fight. For her privacy (though I won't name her, obviously) , I won't say what it was about- just that it involved one of my very, very, VERY severe triggers (rule-breaking), and it was something I'd been sobbing in her arms about for weeks leading up to me finding out. I'd been crying into her shoulder, begging her to please never break this very specific rule, because I was worried about her, and didn't want her in trouble- and not even a month later, apparently it was done. (Also, not that I control her actions- not at all. I'm just expressing this was a previous worry, not that I think I rule her choices).

When I found out about this (from someone who barely even knew her- because she told me before one of my closest friends) it was absolutely horrific- I had one of those meltdowns, I think the most severe I've ever had. My brain switched off, and all I remember is screaming at her the second I saw her, but not what I said or what happened after- almost the whole day is gone in my mind.

Cut to now, 6 months later. She's spread rumours, told people I'd been friends with for half my life not to talk to me, and told a LOT of people about things that were just between us (e.g. Family issues, mental health). Recently, I tried apologising to her- although a teacher (in the room with us) forbid me from telling her the whole truth, about my Autism being the reason it happened, because she thought this friend would tell everyone. Needless to say, it went awfully. I know this girl's mannerisms like the back of my hand, especially well for someone with autism. She hates me, and though her words (can't be friends, one day forgive, so on) were kind, I could tell she wanted to break my skull in with whatever was heaviest.

I don't blame her, not one bit. The last few months of our friendship were tough anyway (my girlfriend and her didn't get along, same with her boyfriend and I), but this one fight destroyed it completely, and I'm fearful I've scarred her forever. She's already been through so much in her life, and I'd sworn to protect her, so I know that what I did was beyond hellish (even if I couldn't control it).

But, it's been six months, and I still feel like utter rubbish every single day. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for her to recover?? It's beyond wishful thinking to have that friendship again, but part of me is hoping that if I explain my disability, she'll somehow be able to forgive me. But am I just setting myself up for ridicule that way?

(Note: I don't have any other friends. I cut off contact with them because she'd told them not to speak to me, and I didn't want her to harass them as well for trying to)