I am going to scream. My brother and his girlfriend just announced they were having a boy. Omg, I am SO excited to be an aunt (again). But...this July...my baby would be turning 2 had it survived. Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional right now. Maybe that’s why I feel so lost and out of control of everything. I have realized that my progesterone levels are what’s causing me to be infertile. I’ve taken all kinds of medication but can’t seem to get my levels high enough to sustain a pregnancy. I tell my mom this information, and she replies with “Poopie.” ........See, this is why I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. They don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it. My heart is broken, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m so tempted to just give up. I know there are people who have been trying for many more years, but I just can’t take this anymore. I can’t take being literally surrounded by people talking about their kids, women announcing they’re pregnant, women complaining about their pregnancy, women complaining about their children, people asking when am I going to have kids, my family members talking about planning for kids in the near future, dance competitions, kindergarten graduations, pool days with kids....I mean LITERALLY everything reminds me of the fact that I don’t fit in that world. Sometimes I feel like God is telling me it’s not in my story to have a kid. It’s not something I’m meant to have. Something told me in the very beginning that this would be hard. Most women never believe that they would miscarry or have difficulty getting pregnant. Most women, in fact, fear getting pregnant when they’re younger, right? Yet, I was the only one I know who thought “no...this isn’t going to be easy...” I try to stay positive and look forward to that time that I will get to enjoy my baby. There are so many messages surrounding my brain, telling me “it’s going to work out!” “Your time will come!” “You’ll be a great mom one day!” But WHEN?......I just feel so hopeless. I’ve felt that way for a long time. It’s sad and lonely. On top of all of that, I really don’t have anyone I can talk to who gets it. All my friends say “Aww, it’ll happen!”.....what if it doesn’t, Karen? Just stop saying that for crying out loud.

I just hope that others can relate. I know I’m rambling, but I was just laying here with all these thoughts and no one to tell them to. So, thank you for taking the time to read this craziness.