Just to get it off my chest...

I’m going through a rough patch with rape and feel better when I share my story when I get my flare up of being terrified.

(2016 the 1st) When I was 17 I moved back to Utah from Florida without my family after graduating a semester early. I moved in with my aunt. I got a message from a boy on Instagram who was in the same seminary class as my friend. (Seminary is a class for kids in my religion that take it as a high school credit) well I thought he was nice and met him the first time with my friend at her place. We hit it off and started dating then soon became boyfriend and girlfriend. We dated I think for a month and a half maybe. My friends mom told me she didn’t get a good feeling from him and wouldn’t let him over at her home anymore. That should of been my first red flag. He then started flirting with my best friends little sister since we were in a tight group of friend he knew her. I confronted him since she sent me screenshots and he denied it. But I believed him. (He was very manipulative which honestly I didn’t know was a thing) then he started to force me to give him blow jobs at my friend’s house (he was aloud back over) under the blanket we shared while watching a movie in the dark with my other friends. Another red flag. I said I loved him but more like a love ya that I say to friends not I love you. He slowly became more rude towards me I live singing and I do get compliments on my voice. He said how awful I was a that I sing to high (I’m a 1st soprano). Then one time he had to go home and parked in front of my aunt’s to bring me home. We were kissing and he said do you want to kiss in the back? Dumb me of course didn’t think much of it. We fooled around and did something’s I knew I shouldn’t of done and he went down on me and asked if we could have sec I said no multiple times but he persisted and still put himself inside me I was shocked. I just remember tears rolling down my face and quickly wiping them away. I was a virgin so it hurt so bad. When I came to my senses I pushed him off and as soon as I did he came over in the back of his car. I quickly got out he said bye did hug me or anything and he said oh by the way I don’t love you. I went inside and broke down in tears. I didn’t realize I had just been raped but knew I didn’t want that. The first thing I did was shower and I was dripping blood everywhere. I was sore and all I did was crawl in bed crying because I thought I had just done an awful sin. (Please don’t judge me if you aren’t religious) I cried till I went to sleep. I honestly don’t really remember much after that what happened to our relationship since it seems so long ago. But I was heading off to college in like two weeks for spring/summer semester. I came back to visit after I moved away for college about two weeks later and took my ex’s siblings out for ice cream and then his family asked me to read scriptures with them I didn’t want to be rude so I stayed but my ex got back to his place a was furious With me and his family. I left right after but texted me saying how freaking weird I was for treating his family nice night I add his brother was in my friend group and was like a little brother so it wasn’t weird to anyone but my ex. But after that I cut off all ties. I had a marriage counseling class as one of my credits at college that semester and we talked about rape and the different forms I think my teacher knew something was wrong when he was explains them and when he got to date rape it had just clicked in my head. I walked back to my apartment and I got the guts to call my mom but didn’t want to do it were my roommates were so I sat in my hot car and called my mom and told I think I was raped her and my dad were both very supportive. I was so scared to tell her. But it was a relief how loving my mom was about all of it especially my dad. (This guy was 16 almost 17 when he did this)

(November 2016) now 18years old. I was on tinder to see how many dates I could get since my roommates were doing it to (casual dating is common in my area) I found this guy in Utah when I was school up in Idaho. I was in Utah for a wedding and matched with him. He was an “officer” for Salt Lake City. We FaceTimed before deciding if we wanted to go on a date. He seemed really nice and was just a new convert to my church so I’m thinking hey maybe good marriage material.🤷🏼‍♀️ I went back to school. We matched on a Saturday and decided to meet for are first date Tuesday. We went on a small hike, went to wingers (restaurant), arcade games, and then a drive to “look at the stars” as he said. He parked and we started kissing because we hit it off so well then he asked for me to move over by the driver seat by him he started rubbing me and then ate me out all consensual. Then I guess he thought since those were okay he would go inside me I was also on my period at the time (which he knew) and he just shoved himself in making my tampon be jammed in me I told him I’m not into it. But he kept going and he would ask if it was betters d I told him no. I started to get mad because he wasn’t getting off. I told him no that’s enough and he finally got off after I told him multiple times I wasn’t wanting sex. He was sort of annoyed I honestly don’t know if he came or not in me. Showered as soon as I got home and cried my roommates knew something was wrong but i didn’t tell them when they asked. I was stupid and still kept talking to him till that Friday and he came to visit. Before he visited he started talking crazy asking me to move in with him and move with him to Oregon or Washington because he had to move for work. I obviously told him no multiple times (we only knew each other for less then a week). He did that same thing my first rapist did and forced me to give him a blow job while watching a movie but not roommates in the family room but they would pop in every now and then. But I clearly remember telling him no and him forcing my head down to give him a BJ. By the end of this night I knew I was going to end things with him but just not in person because he was a psycho. The next day he texted me none stop then called me and got mad at me for not answering fast enough. After that text I completely started ignoring him and was showing my roommates they realized real quick he was a psychopath. That Sunday i texted him saying it wasn’t going to work he tried to keep me around but I just ignored his texts and snaps. (This guy was 24 years old)

I realize you aren’t suppose to shower after being raped but both times I was just so scared and felt so gross. I just wanted to feel clean again. I apologize for the long post but I really felt like sharing my story. I’ve never written it out and some parts seem like a blur and I really don’t remember all the details. But I try my best to remember what I can. Honestly some days are rough living with these as part of my story but majority I don’t let it control my life. I just feel so sensitive to it when something spark a trigger for me to remember what happened to me. But luckily most triggers are when men touch me as in an unwanted hug or just touching my butt with a bag which I find highly inappropriate from men especially when you don’t know them well and it’s not my amazing husband. Thanks again for reading.