So I’m holding my son. I’ve been holding him pretty much since birth. He’s almost 2 months. He’s not really been well since birth. Lots of doctors. Meds. And praying.

Last night the exhaustion got to me. I was angry. He wouldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t settled. I was so tired. It felt like we’d taken a step back and he was acting as bad as he did before the meds. When my husband came to relieve me at 4:30, I was at my wits end. I didn’t know what to do. I cursed. And crawled into my bed for a few hours before my husband had to head to work.

So because I’m up all night, I’ve done a lot of tv watching. Tonight I was watching some show where the two lead characters were getting married and the groom showed up and handed her a single rose. Someone else said “don’t stop doing the little things.”

Our anniversary is two weeks away. I’ll be on my period. Something I’ve had issues with since I gave birth. And my OB and primary care doc aren’t sure there is any fix but time and losing the baby weight of two babies in two years. They’ve actually discussed referring me to a surgeon but they aren’t sure one could fix the issue. Things are really different down there. I feel deformed. We’ve had sex once postpartum. I couldn’t get into it. And I wanted to. It had been way too long since we were together. He swears nothing down there bothers him. Yes he can tell things are a little different (basically one lip is bigger than the other now...they aren’t sure why exactly. And it makes my periods really uncomfortable.) I can really tell. I feel defective and embarrassed. I’m already overweight and struggling to even think about losing the baby weight because I’m constantly tired down with my sick baby and two other kids. I miss him. He swears none of it bothers him and he still gets off great. But I can’t even bring myself to think about sex...

Especially because we are ships in the night. Sleeping on the couch or the chair with our sick son. Trading the baby for a few precious hours of sleep a night before the work day begins. The hardest thing about the long days is knowing there is no end. I will have to monitor my son all night. Trade with my husband. And get up quickly so he can get to work. Honestly I’m exhausted. Im sitting here holding my baby after he’s screamed most of the day. He’s asleep. My husband isn’t home from work. Wednesday is his long day.

When I saw the stupid Hallmark moment of the man giving his love a rose, I thought I sure wish my husband would think of that. I know this isn’t forever. But sleeping apart. Postpartum body issues and insecurities (I’ve been to the doctor. There is nothing keeping me from living my life or having sex. Things are just differently shaped down there.) Honestly, all day with two screaming kids and doing dinners and baths and bedtime alone because he’s late today. My plate from dinner is still sitting on the table. Untouched. Cold. Hours later.

I could use just a small spark of romance. (I actually tried with our first sex postpartum and it failed miserably. I had to take off my lingerie and hold the baby and he had to run to the office. But the time he got back...Mood was pretty dead.) With our anniversary coming, I don’t want anything much. Couldn’t afford anything right now anyways. I don’t even wanna go to dinner. Who would watch all three kids that I trusted? Mostly, I’d like 13 hours of uninterrupted sleep...which isn’t gonna happen.

But for him to just show up with a flower like that. A moment. That we aren’t roommates...passing in an exhausted state. Maybe just a random thing...I wish he’d think of something like that without having to tell him. It’d go along way to helping me feel connected.

But after 9 years of marriage, I know the only time I get flowers or anything like that is if I practically tell him. (Actually one time my mother did tell him when we were dating and had to be apart over Christmas. He sent me a single red rose, my favorite...I felt so loved. It was so what I needed during that time in my life. He then told me it was her idea and he just went with it. 🙄)

He’s learned a lot since those days. He’s a good man. He’s a good daddy. He’s a good provider. He’s not made me feel weird or gross about my body postpartum even after 3 babies and 2 of those in 2 years. (I’m struggling but he’s honestly been reassuring that it’s nothing to him.)

But since we are exhausted and overwhelmed right now...it sure would be nice to just have a little moment.

I guess after 9 years of marriage and over a decade together I shouldn’t wish for that kinda thing from him. I wish I could tell him. Without telling him so it doesn’t cheapen it. I wish he’d get there on his own. Especially with the anniversary coming up.