I feel bad about it

When i was younger i was depressed and i felt no feelings i hsd tryed to kill myself many times with out anyone knowing. I didn't like myself and i felt like me smiling and breathing was my fault i felt like somone should kill me and i pryed to god i would never wake one day. So i went online and there guys douple my age asking for nubes and only being 14 13 at the time i said yes. I thought that this was love this was how people cared about me but they didn't it just made me worse and worse. They said they loved me but i felt like deep down there were lies i felt like nothing. I feel like i was born into this world just to be a slave for people. The bullying didn't make it batter it made me feel i should just end it all but every time i saw him i was scared the mam who raped me i couldn't do it anymore so i told people i was gonna do it so i can feel like they cared about me so i can feel cared for but my pearnts took my phone and i went to the hospital. Am not sharing this for people can feel bad for me or they can tell me how many bad things i did but i did stop. I told the men who wanted me Just so they can jerk off that it was done and love with secret two years later am a little older now but i feel allful doing these things. But now am happy and i never been happyer in my life i have hobbies and i enjoy doing things but i still feel bad about the things i did. I guess i blamed my pearnts for a while not knowing i was sad not knowing that I'll stay in my bed till 12 and seeing my eyes burnt and red from crying but i feel like i should have told them maybe it would be different.

But i the past is what i learn and i would never ever do any of those again. I do get sad time to time somtimes i do cry for no reason but i never hold it like i used to and. Somtimes i do get sad idk why but am batter a lot batter.