I’m jealous of other moms... moms who desire and planned their babies , moms who were excited during and for the pregnancy. Moms who connected with their little ones right away or at all. And even those moms who didn’t plan their babies and they were a complete surprise or an accident but they still kept their head up. Moms who “found” themselves once they had their baby or felt complete. Or even changed in some kind of positive way.. I’m jealous of you.

I got pregnant in November of 2017 had my baby boy on August 19th, 2018. His name is Asa , and boy did my life take quite a turn. I got really depressed after birth. I lost a lot of weight and got really thin and weak. Pale to the face, balding on my head. Insecurity filled me because my body felt and looked foreign after birth and it was filled with pain. I felt lost and lonely. I was extremely sleep deprived. Asa woke up every 30 mins at night time and during the day I had too much anxiety to sleep. I felt sad and had no motivation. Feeling as if every dream escaped me. Missing and grieving what my life was. Yes I was a good mom to my baby I mean even if I didn’t shower for days and days at a time I always attended to his needs and never let him cry or go without what he wanted or needed. But I didn’t feel happy .. I didn’t feel “complete” as other moms put it. I didn’t “find myself”. A month from tomorrow he will turn a year old .. and guess what? I still feel lost. Don’t get me wrong I love him more than anything and I can feel his love for me when he picks me out of everyone else to cuddle with and how he laughs and smiles with me. He’s a great baby who brings me happiness. I am not unhappy because of him but if not because of the changes that came with it my ppd really got to me its a real thing. And my anxiety worsened once he came into the world because of how much I worry. I just wish I felt different. I don’t feel happy with my life. Even with him sleeping his 12 hours through the night I feel tired and always want to sleep.. even with things being okay how could that be? I want to attend school again to finish my bachelors. Get my career going. Find my identity that I feel has been lost, or perhaps was never known. However , it’s so hard to even find the motivation to apply. I pray to get out of this negative mindset that has swallowed me whole. I love you my dear Asa I really do I just don’t know who I am and I don’t know why. The only thing I do know is that I’m your mommy and I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Pics for fun

One of my fave pics he was about two months here.

Now