Help!!! I am always “the selfish person”.

My son is here now. He’s amazing. I met him, I named him, I love him. 2 weeks in he goes to the Hospital. A lot of feeling left out and feeling numb. I still have an amazing kid. They diagnosed him with TSC. Something about tumors. Something about Beta Blockers. Something about developmental disorders. Something about his heart, something about his brain. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t even want to try for a kid at first. Now here I am. I love him. I adore him. I would die for him. And I’m jealous of him. WTF is wrong with me?!? My wife was my best friend, my lover, my confidant. I am awful person, a terrible person who thinks only of myself. I love her so much and now He is her priority. I used to be most important. She was the person that hung on to my every word. The person who put up with my shit. The person who loved me unconditionally. I always felt that because she wanted this I would help make it happen and it would be another thing we did together. We traveled together, we worked together, we lived together, we accomplished together. But now I am just here. I really feel like feeding him, changing him, talking to him, laughing with him, and learning with him. I think he awesome. Most beautiful, smartest, most incredible little boy, but damn am I jealous. He was supposed to be our little boy. We were supposed to do stuff together, but I want to be seen as the important one. So once again I’m the narcissist. I just want her to think of me one more time as her favorite. One more time as the most handsome man, she had ever laid eyes on. One more time as the person who made her want to have kids with me. My wife doesn’t seem to get that I barely started to figure out who i was in the almost 15+ years to make it past where most people thought I would have been dead by. Now all of a sudden I know what i want/need. Like come on. There is a reason nobody trusted me for shit. At least nothing past getting them to the next deployment. Oh yeah. Did I mention that I used to lead young lads into combat? That I was a young lad who some fucking young lad decided that I was senior enough to drag some more young lads through The Garden of Eden? Wtf. My wife is concerned with me not wanting to spend time with my son. I’m just trying to be here. I have never quite returned from Nasariyah. I wasn’t sure where I even fit in before my son. Now I’m completely lost, because I barely knew where I was supposed to be before he was here. I love my wife and son, but I am still trying to figure out where the hell I fit in.

Im jealous because he fits so naturally. He eats, he sleeps, he potties. Everyone knows where he fits in except for me. He’s her everything. He is her all. I’m here and I used to be that. She used to hang on to my every word. She used to push me to be a better me. Now it’s him and a book. It’s her pumping. It’s Insta time. Now I’m not me. Now I am just “DAD”. I created him but am no longer important. Except to take care of him. I’m expendable. Could have been any man. Could have been any “DAD”. I don’t even know what that means. I’m jealous how he takes all the attention from my family and my wife. I almost understood who I was and how I wanted to live my life, but I made the decision to let my undying love lead me. I wanted my wife to have everything she ever wanted. After all she helped to get me to this point. Now I am jealous. What a selfish sonofabitch. I swear I wan to be his everything, I just miss before.

But now. Here he is. This cute, adorable, sunny little guy, who is smart, clever, strong and lives up to the name I gave him. He steals all my attention. I am now just someone near by. I am now just a person to watch my son. I know he is amazing and needs me. He is awesome. I agree, but fuck man. I just want to be popular again. I want my wife to look at me with sex in her eyes. I want my wife to want to go and party through the night with me again. I want my friend who sits up late with me and laughs with me about stupid shit to wan to hang with me again. How we watch random shows. Go on amazing adventures. Makes meals for each other. Why has my life changed so much? When did I become selfish? When did I become someone only concerned with myself. I swear I am there and I mean to be good for them both. I change him, I feed him, I hug and kiss him. I talk to him and tell him all my secrets. I even pray with him. But still she only cares about him. I’m second best. Less important. Not really a thought other than an example of me not doing enough for him. I am no longer the best friend. No longer the sexy husband, no longer the funny family member. He has stolen the attention. I don’t blame him/her. They are both incredible and they have done and accomplished so much. But I’m fucking jealous. I am whining, but WTF do I fit in? Am I just here to teach him how to not do the things I have done? I’m just fucking rambling and nothing I say really matters, it is what it is. Always like my father, yet nothing like my father. Like I said I don’t even know who the fuck I am. I love them. They at my number 1. But I wish she wanted to be around me like she is with him. Just me being selfish though and that sucks because I love them and wish I wasn’t such a pariah. THESE ARE JUST DRUNKING RAMBLINGS of a former best friend, former lover, former person of admiration, former partner, Marine of a past life, formerly a person who was almost living up to my potential. Fuck the selfish ass motherfucker I have become. I don’t want to be jealous. He is amazing. What the fuck is wrong with me. I swear I wasn’t always such a little bitch.

I don’t know why I am posting this or even what I hope to achieve. I just thought I should. Maybe I have Male Post Partum Depression. Maybe I am just a selfish bastard. Maybe im just a whiny bitch. Either way, I wasn’t always this way. Just speak you mind even if that means beating me I to the ground for my selfish/entitled behavior. My feelings/emotions are bared for all.