Growing up with an ex military drill Sargent for a grandfather was hard... after my mom and dad split (I was 10) My brother and I moved in with my grandparents (moms parents) because she felt it was what was best. It wasn’t.... he didn’t like me and made it known, I reminded him of my mom whom he didn’t get a long with. I thought he loved me and I was wrong I learned the hard way.

My brother was the favorite because he was the first grandson on my grandpas side; me being the 100th girl for him he was disappointed when I was born and made it known (I’m the oldest) My brother was his pride and joy he got everything, treated like a prince while I got yelled at constantly, told I was gonna end up like my mother, trash that was going to amount to nothing, that I wasn’t loved because I didn’t live with my parents the list goes on.

I was suicidal at just 10 years old, I cried a lot because of it😞 my mom lived in pa which is 9 states away from where I was so I didn’t say anything to her or my dad just to keep myself “safe” I wasn’t hit or physically abused but he hit where you couldn’t see the bruises and that was mentally. School was my safe space, I loved school till he started showing up to go through my locker; he hit my head (one time) off the kitchen table when I got a problem wrong, I had to sit on the floor facing the stove so I wouldn’t watch tv because I was a “bad girl”.

To him I was a dumbass, stupid, brainless, idiot etc because I didn’t understand certain things. I wasn’t allowed to see friends, talk on the phone, use the computer or go outside! When I would go to my dads I would beg for him to let me stay with him because I didn’t wanna go back. He would just apologize and tell me he can’t keep me there since he had to work and lived with friends, I was heart broken I didn’t know what to do so I would cry myself to sleep.

One day after school (I was in middle school) he was the only one home, when I walked in the door he got in my face screaming so close I fell back into the couch I could feel his hot breath, I just buried myself as far as I could into the couch so he wouldn’t get any closer and when he was done I ran upstairs and cried so hard I stood at my window and wanted to jump but couldn’t do it Still to this day I don’t know what I did he never said.

One day I asked if I could go to the mall with a very close friend and was told no be because I had no money or nice clothes. I called my mom cause I really wanted to go and she convinced him to let me, my grandma gave me some money and I left so happy. When I came home I was told I was never allowed to see her again all because I called my mom☹️.

My grandmother wouldn’t do or saying anything while we were around to avoid a fight in front of us but from what i was told she would wait til we were in bed to say something but it didn’t help. She thought she was helping but what she didn’t understand was I felt alone very very alone. I would sit upstairs in my room and watch out my window at my brother play with his friends, when I would ask if I could play I was told no I wasn’t allowed that I had to stay in my room.

My cousin crystal moved in with her husband and she didn’t like me either, when her and my grandpa started in on me they really started in and left me standing on the living room floor crying because they just bashed me on how much I was like my mom and how I wasn’t liked because of it. There was a day she had just got done yelling at me, and when her husband asked why she was so mean she said it was because I was like my mom! I put my shoes on and went out back to sit on the grass and wish I was dead.

For my 13th bday my dad got me my first minute cell phone so I could call them; after he left it was taken from me and put in their room for months, after I was allowed to have it back I was so excited to use it that when I turned it on I was instantly upset because the minutes were gone and I couldn’t use it. I just put it back and went to my room.

FINALLY July 4th a few months after I turned 13 my mom saved me, she came and got me, he tried so hard for years to drill the idea of joining the military into my head and I almost did it at 17!.

After being told I would amount to nothing, turn out like my mom with kids, on welfare and have a dead beat baby daddy.

I will be 28 in sept, I graduated from high school, 2 technical schools and college (for medical) with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, I have been with my SO for 10 years next month, never been on welfare, we have our own house and own 2 cars.

I have been told to forgive and forget but I can’t it has been really hard and I think that’s where some of my depression and anxiety came from. I thought if I proved him wrong it would make everything better. But there is still this feeling I can’t let go of.