I am a survivor of multiple rapes. I am not a victim. This is my story...

The first time I was raped I was 18. I had dated a guy for a year and I ended up pregnant. Unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage from what the docs actually believe was a chemical pregnancy (hormones but no baby). He firmly believed there was a baby there that I killed and used rape to punish me. Violently.

The second I was 23. I moved out of state to be with a long time friend of mine. 2 months after I moved he got me drunk and held me down for his roommate to rape me. I remember only flashes of it.

The last was 2.5 years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. He made me fall for him. We had a daughter. We were happy. Then he started getting jealous. Then controlling. Then he raped me. I tried to leave and he kicked me. Threatened to take our daughter and disappear. I stayed for another year. In that time the abuse got worse. He would hit me then give me roses. It would get better then he would find some offense and hit me again. I tried to leave a second time. He used my sleeping meds for my insomnia to rape me so he wouldn't have to use force. I got pregnant from that. I got scared and stayed because I didn't believe I could handle being a single mom of 3. I had one from a previous relationship. He wrecked my credit saying now I couldn't leave. He used me being pregnant and the nerve points to cause contractions and pain as a way to hit me. He regularly tried to pressure me into doing something to loose the baby because he claimed it wasn't his. Finally after my youngest son was 5 months old I left. As punishment he raped me again. This time in the room with my oldest who was 5 at the time. This time I didn't go back in fear.

I called the police. I was done. I filed that report. I pressed those charges. His family tried to pressure me to drop them. In fact everyone pressured me to drop them saying I should just move on. I stayed strong. The prosecutor decided his IQ was too low to prosecute because he said "I don't understand why it was wrong."

Let's fast forward 3 years. I'm in a happy healthy marriage with a man who respects me. When I say no he says OK. No guilting. No force. Just. OK. He loves me despite my severe PTSD. He takes my triggers and helps me through them. He works with my anxiety. My amazing husband has been injured due to my PTSD. And all he does is understand. He supports me with counseling. He helps me through meds. He doesn't lie. Ever. He doesn't cheat. He treats me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to him when in fact he's the best thing to happen to me. He loves my children as his own. He doesn't pay any attention to the way my son was conceived. And the most important thing...he empowers me!

I still have nightmares. Flashbacks. Anxiety. Outbursts of fear. Those may never stop. But I wake up knowing, without a doubt, that it will never happen again.

It does get better...

I need help

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