Hate myself today/Romantic shit/ I have issues with forming bonds

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Goddammit.

I'm falling for someone and it's making me go crazy,

I planned on being single, and now im so enamored by why! Why do we fall for the people we fall for!!!

There is a guy who I liked before him who was just a friend with very occasional benefits- and i never felt passionate about him :/ and im so ashamed of it, because he actually has a lot of similar values to me, he's really a cool, interesting, independent, nice guy!! But I just, don't feel it...? I don't understand why not. And it's weird I feel bad about it? Anyway, I have to tell him no more benefits- even though they were kind of not much of a factor- he really probably won't care much, but I feel bad.

And im falling for this new guy so completely ridiculously hard- and fast- but with brutal awareness of how these things usually go...

I've been in bad relationships before, I don't even necessarily like being with someone! I enjoy my freedom- so it takes A LOT for me to give any ounce of it up- it takes someone to come along and make me feel like they're moving mountains inside of me-

Well, I don't know why he is!

I'm usually more rational, but when ut comes to infatuation or love, I don't understand why this is happening.

Is it chemical? Is it spiritual? What the fuck?

I just feel everything with such a great depth from the beauty I see in his eyes, and he has captured my heart- the heart of such a free spirit!

Love is great and all, but I'm fucking terrified. What is happening? 😨😵

Is it okay for this to happen?

I don't know if I've ever felt like this....

But it's so fast.... but I'll take it slow, it's almost like, I just know.

But what do I know?

Nothing can last! Nothing golden can stay! Nothing ever has.

And that's ok.