How do you know if it’s PPD or just exhaustion?

My baby is 3 months old and I love him deeply. He’s a great baby, never cries or fusses much, does great in public and on outings. But he just...doesn’t...sleep. During spurts he’s up every 1-2 hours. On a “good day” I get up every 3 or so hours with him. Needless to say, I am a very tired woman.

I like to journal so I can see a distinct decline in my sanity and emotional/mental health. It started to get rough around 1.5 months old. Fighting with my husband about small things like him leaving his pants next to the laundry basket, leaving crumbs on the stove. Super unfair of me because I’m home all day and he works all day AND cooks. I have become permanently irritated and upset. The pets who once cuddled me and filled my camera roll now bug me so much I feel like every interaction with them is scolding and I hate myself for it but I can’t help it! I feel like I HATE them and I want them to go away, like I wouldn’t mind if they ran away. I feel so dirty inside, like a bitchy depressed demon has taken over.

I adore my baby to the point I have trouble asking for help. I breastfeed exclusively and have trouble pumping. People offer to feed him or supplement formula and I feel like they’re trying to screw up my breastfeeding success. I am proud looking at my huge baby who gets complicated for looking like he’s 5 months, not 3 months. I’m proud that my baby doesn’t suffer gas issues and I’m scared formula will both mess up my supply because I barely get anything when I pump, and mess up my baby’s tummy. My husband wants to feed him, wants to watch him so I can have a break and it sounds awful to me to leave him. I’d think and worry about the baby the whole time. We were supposed to go to a cabin for two nights at the end of August and now I can’t even believe we thought that was possible. My husband tells me I am just miserable to live with and I treat him badly, and that he sometimes sees the future of us in darkness. So now on top of feeling miserable I also feel guilty and so troubled by how I’m making my husband feel.

My husband and I have always said I’d never get postpartum depression. I answered so confidently that I felt great at my 6 week pp appointment. But now every morning I wake up wishing the day ahead would just be over already. Instead of being motivated to play with my baby or get things done, I just want to stare at the wall. I only look forward to three things in my life: cuddling my baby while he nurses, drinking Guinness and eating kisses, and the first minutes after my husband gets home from work and seems happy with me. I jump between not caring about anything to caring anxiously about every little thing. Perhaps I’m just extremely exhausted. Yet when I go to bed at night I can’t sleep because I had so much baby time all day, that when I finally get a chance to be in my own head I spiral. I end up feeling sorry for myself, then guilty about feeling miserable when I have so much to be grateful for. Am I lazy? Tired? Depressed? Who knows. I almost want it to be depression so I can get medicated and just feel better. I’ve been on Zoloft in the past (college stress) and I felt like it didn’t help and it was a bitch to wean off of...and yet if it could possibly make me stop being mean to my husband and stop hating my pets maybe it’s worth a shot. I am having stress dreams about nursing in different uncomfortable situations. I am the worst version of myself I have ever been. My marriage is in trouble. Could it really just be that I need some damn sleep?