Hey y'all!!

(Possibly triggering!!)

Havent been on in a while. Possibly long, sad, and rambly story ahead.

I found out I was pregnant on Dec 19 2018. Best freaking day of my life. Im already a ball of nerves in a normal situation but after that 2nd line and the final confirmation, I was beyond anxious...ya know the usual what if i do something wrong, etc but multiplied about a dozen times. For 20 weeks I worried and questioned. Everything made me nervous. After 20 weeks i finally started calming down a bit. Buying baby clothes, diapers, toys, we even replaced carpet and put in a new window. We found out it was a BOY!!! That was SO exciting! I'd have been happy with either but I've always seen myself as a boy mom. Maybe because I only have sisters? Idk. Anyway, we finally start getting excited about this precious child coming our way. Little did we know, the highest of highs was about to turn into the lowest of lows. At 25 weeks and 3 or so days, he stopped moving. He did that occasionally so i wasn't worried right away. However, when i went to bed is when i got scared. He always partied when mommy tried to sleep. The night before I stayed up with him and enjoyed all the kicks and rolls. Now that i look back, that was the most amazing experience ❤❤❤. Im glad I savored it because when he still wasn't moving the next morning, I searched on the doppler and got silence. We went to the hospital where it was confirmed. We lost our baby boy. I went to the main hospital and got the process started. Labor induction, epidural, the works. I ended up having him without knowing it. The nurse spotted blood on the blanket and checked to see where it came from. She uncovered me and then put the blanket back because it was so unexpected. The room was full of family but we had to make everyone leave before the chaos of nurses came in and then I LOST it. Hubby and I both broke that day. Hell the whole family did. He was 1 lb 9oz and looked just like his daddy. He was born encaul as well which I hear is semi-rare. I was moved to post partum and had to stay on xanax. I feel bad about this but i couldn't handle seeing him until the next day. Hubby saw him for a few minutes right after he was born and cleaned up. A perfect angel. The hospital went above and beyond to take care of us. They gave us a memory box and a photo album. We had a graveside service and the entire family showed up to support us. His casket was the tiniest one I've ever seen and the funeral home took care of him so well. He was perfect and looked exactly like he was sleeping peacefully. I now know what it feels like to love and lose a child. The love is unending and so is the grief. I've cried a million tears. I know he is at peace and that gives me so much comfort.

Mommy and daddy miss you baby boy. T.B.D. 5/27/2019