I just gave birth. He’s now 3 days old. And during the day I’m mostly perfectly fine. Not many worries other than the normal. Is he eating enough. Is he gunna poop on me. Is he done peeing. Did he burp enough etc. but at night. Oh god at night. I could bawl my eyes out constantly throughout the entire night without hesitation. I’m so scared I won’t get another day with him. If I fall asleep he could spit up and choke I wouldn’t know. He could overheat and I wouldn’t know. He could stop breathing and I just wouldn’t know. He’s perfectly healthy. I do everything as right as possible. I swaddle him after I feed burp and change him. Lay him in a bassinet next to my bed on his back with literally nothing but him in it. But anything could happen. The statistics are so insanely low of anything happening that I wouldn’t notice. But it’s still a possibility and I’m so scared all the time. I never want to sleep. I try not to sleep all night to watch him so carefully. I literally don’t even go pee just to watch him. He just spit up choked while swaddled in his bassinet and I wasn’t watching him but he started making noises before it happened so I knew. But he started choking and made ok was coming out his nose. And god I got so scared I pulled him out and immediately took the swaddle off him. Sucked the spit and milk out of his mouth and got it out of his nose and started burping him immediately. This is the second time it’s happened so I knew what to do at least a little more. And thank god he’s okay. And now I’m holding him while he sleeps while typing this in my room with the light on. I just love him so much I can’t help but think of the worst outcomes for anything. And I know I could never handle if something bad I imagine really happens. I just couldn’t handle it. Being a mom is the most terrifying thing I will ever experience. I’m so exhausted. And I’m so scared. And I’m so tired. Idk what to do. I just wish someone could perfectly take care of him without worry until he’s a little older so I wouldn’t have to worry about these newborn things that happen. But I want to be the only one to take care of him. I just idk. I’m so scared. Especially because my cousins newborn was born last year on July 31st and died suddenly after his dad fell asleep holding him in a chair in his nursery so young. He was still a newborn. And my son was born on July 31st this year. And I’m just so scared of anything happening like that. Or anything else at all. So many people love him so dearly and so much. It’s so scary to have this responsibility of keeping a real little human alive. Who I love more than life itself in every way possible. I just wish I could see into the future to know he’s okay and he’ll be okay so I don’t have to worry so badly.

I just wanted to rant about this and I didn’t know where else to do that. I’ve talked to my fiancé about it a little and he tries to help of course with showing me statistics and talking about it etc. but I don’t think he could truly understand this exact feeling. But he tries.

He also goes back to work on Tuesday possibly and doing this alone for 8-12 hours everyday just makes it so much harder to be okay. Idk. I’m just scared.