This might not be appropriate for this group but I am sitting here up late this evening. I am finding a hard time with dealing with the 4th leap as well as the loss of my brother.

My brother passed away on August 2018. His one year anniversary just passed. It’s been extremely difficult on me. I found out a week before he passed that I was expecting (he did not know.) He did know of a previous pregnancy back in March last year that we lost. I remember he was the first person I called. He was so happy for me and so concerned for me after we lost that baby. It is constant in my mind that I wish he knew this time. He suffered a great deal of depression and he took his own life.

During my pregnancy I had no choice but to remain STRONG in fear I would lose this one due to stress. I also had hyperemesis so I was sick the entire 9 months. I really was distracted a lot by this but now that he’s here it’s like everything has caught up with me. My son, Jack, also has my brothers smirk completely. Sometimes I just see my brothers face staring right at me when I Look at him.

I am wondering if anyone else has dealt with this. Even having a sibling commit suicide and how you dealt with it. There are many thoughts that run through my head such as the day he took his life, if we had only gotten to him sooner maybe he wouldn’t have done it. He left us a note, he texted my mom before also who was in another state at the time. I cannot and will not be mad at him for this, as I knew how badly he suffered. He was everything to me. And I just want him to be ok and at peace and know if he is looking down on my new family 💔💔💔