It’ll be two months since tomorrow at 9

I just don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about it. Normally I just suppress things and deal with my emotional issues when they bubble to the surface because people that haven’t been in my shoes usually don’t understand what it is to be in this dark, lonely, anxiety filled box. I also don’t know any other ways of dealing with my feelings. Some have blamed me for being there, blamed me for freezing, and some have tuned out or changed the topic to a more comfortable conversation so if they haven’t been through it I usually don’t ever bring it up on my own. He was my bf at the time and I just came to see him after work for a bit before I went home. He seemed so sweet, like there was something there and he treated me well but shit just took a turn. If I believed that God intentionally put me through this as a test to strength I would’ve killed myself. Losing religion and my belief in fate is what kept me from losing my mind. I just feel like I’ve lost everything, what’s the point in fighting? When he took everything left I didn’t even know I had to give. I feel like he took my soul with him. Like there’s nothing left and honestly I feel like a walking zombie until the anxiety hits. And it hits. I fear being around too many men I don’t trust. I fear being alone with a man I don’t trust. I fear getting close to a man. I fear men I don’t know coming to talk to me in grocery stores, and banks, and just about any other place where I’m not sitting down where my back is against a wall and I can see him coming. I usually won’t ever leave my house unless I’m with someone I trust, day or night until last week since there weren’t any people outside and I felt really motivated to lose weight. I ran once around my block and never looked back. My sex drive has changed a lot. I used to have an extremely high sex drive but I’ve been abstinent since mainly because the idea of meaningless sex disgusts me and finding a girlfriend girlfriend hasn’t been easy.