I don't even know where to begin, but this is more of a vent/rant.

I am just so lost in emotion. Guilt. Graditude. Happy. Sad. Angry. Hurt.

The biggest lesson I think I've learned, besides petience is a virtue, is don't marry someonr just for the kids sake. Would never ever EVER, marry a man for his money, or to take from him, and it's messed up that Washington takes even if the mother wants to go without force. I married my husband because he is kind, such a good and happy soul, genuine, caring, the guy everyone wants and deserves. Sometimes, our soul's just don't connect. And it's hard.

I have severe depression and anxiety and do what I can of my own mind to keep it under control. But sometimes, it gets dark. Like tonight 😔.

Was watching a movie with the sister in law, Mother in law, and of course the hubby, when all of a sudden, the emotions started flooding in. Normally I would just go self medicate and maybe smoke a little bowl or even just take a quick hit. Nothing crazy, just enough to take the edge off. I can't go to my husband because even getting a hug out of him is a rare occurrence. We have such a small sex life (I think he's a-sexual...), That loneliness flows deep. He knows this, it's not exactly something I can hide.. today while we were watching a movie, he actually decided to put his arm around me, which only made me want to cry more.

Fast forward to crawling in bed, I tell him how I feel. Mind has been racing about things that I may have been able to do differently with our baby. Maybe I lost my temper and shouldn't have, or something stupid. And he, without even facing me once to give a kiss or hug or even a look, says, "shouldn't need weed to control your emotions." Now, he is %100 percent right! But Mary Jane, has always been there. She has NEVER let me down. I feel like my man should be able to help comfort me. And even now, as I lay here crying and completely heart broken, he sleeps facing the other direction, snoring away. I cry every night, so my baby can have a full family. She doesn't see her father care for her mother. She doesn't see him respect her mother. She does see a hard working man who supports his family, but then comes home and sits on the couch staring at his phone, and when he does have her, just lays her down next to him while craddling her and lets her just sit. No interaction. But then every once in a blue moon, will play with her for just a few minutes, says I have to pee, then gives her back to me. EVERY time I give our daughter to him, within 10 minutes, tops!, He has to pee. Every time. Never puts her to bed, and when he is asked, says oh I'm too tired, but will stay up hours last her bedtime on his game or phone. I see people getting divorced for less, but also know I'm not stupid enough to let this go. Which also might be in the way of actual happiness. We got pregnant after just 3 months of getting together. Then when our baby was 4 months old, at a year and a halfish of being together. We never got a chance to really get that bond and connection. I love this man with my whole entire heart, and my baby even more so. Maybe my emotions are too strong and it's only tearing things apart more. Idk. I just feel so lost.