I have bad anxiety. I’m 19. I still do not have my drivers license. I never get the chance to practice and therefore I never improve. I’ve had my permit twice and never taken the drivers test. I graduated last year and after high school, I got a job. It lasted a week. There was a miscommunication on what days I’d be working and I was fired. I felt very hurt because I’d been working hard and it was my very first job. I had to prove myself. I’m a perfectionist and I care too much about how others view my worth. And then I failed. I was 18 then.

Months later I started my first relationship. We’re still together, 9 months strong. He is 20 now. He doesn’t have his drivers license either. He suffers from anxiety also, not quite as bad as me and also in different areas. We live together at my parents place. All is well there, no issues. They’re happy to help.

But, my boyfriend has a job. He makes enough to pay his bills.

I still have no bills to pay as I’ve gotten nowhere in life and I still live off of my parents.

I want a job. I want to make money and contribute to society. I want to pay rent and help out my boyfriend with finances and buy luxury items. Everyone ensures me that it’s ok that I am where I am. My parents are not upset and neither is my boyfriend that I have such an issue and I need their help.

But I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. I know I am worth something, I know I am strong and I am capable, but at the same time, I just cannot get anywhere in life because of my anxiety and it hurts so bad.

For some reason I am beyond terrified of having a job. Every aspect scares me. I am very afraid of strangers, I’m afraid of talking to people, I’m afraid of being disrespected, I’m afraid of failing, I’m afraid making mistakes.

If I knew the person who was my boss and I was comfortable enough with talking to them and being myself around them, there would be no problem. But that option is not there for me.

I don’t know what to do. I have dreams. I want my own place to stay with my boyfriend. We want to get married. We want a home with dogs and children.

But I am holding us back. And I can’t do anything about it.

My sister tells me that I have to want to get better in order to get better. And I know that’s true. I saved myself from depression and self harm at age 14.

But this anxiety is totally something else. It’s been with me since I can remember and it only seems to get worse. I’ve been struggling with panic attacks which have sent me to the hospital on multiple occasions because I’m afraid that for absolutely no reason, at any second I could and might die. My heart pounds and my hands tremble and my feet go numb everyday. I’ve tried medication, but it just gave me other things to worry about so I stopped it.

I have breakdowns because I want to get better. I want a job. I want a family. I want a life!

I can’t even talk on the phone.

It makes me want to cry. Every time the phone rings, my heart drops. I usually ignore the call unless it’s a very close family member. I have to prepare myself for 20 minutes in order to make a phone call.

A lot of jobs require talking on the phone so that’s just another thing that makes getting a job harder for me.

I know that I am capable of having a job and being very good at it. I’ve always been an excellent student. I was an all A student and I graduated 7/83 of my class. My teachers were always impressed with me. My old job was impressed with my work. Whenever I get the chance to work for my family members, they’re impressed.

But every time I try to get a job, my anxiety acts up. It tells me that I can’t. It tells me I’m worthless and an embarrassment and that nobody will like me. It makes me nauseous and gives me stomachaches and headaches and as an extra push to keep me home that day, making sure that I cannot do what everyone seems to have no problem with. It was always that way in school as well. I used to sit on the floor at night in my room rocking back and forth trying not to cry or explode because I was so stressed and terrified about the expectations that I would face the next day at school. It hasn’t gotten better. That was 5 years ago.

I’m so sick of it.

I want to get better.

I’m ready to be happy.

I’m ready to live out my dreams with the one I love.

But first, I need a job.

I suppose I’ll get there someday