im 19 and a virgin. when i was a freshman at 14, i was sexually assaulted in school regularly by one of my classmates. since then i’ve gotten my GED (had to drop out as a senior when they told me just before graduation i wouldn’t be graduating with everyone else, when i was 14 i told the school what had happened, so instead of punishing him they took me out of all classes and put me in one room all day every day to take remedial classes. going to school gave me such extreme panic attacks having to be near him that i missed months and months, in/out of partial hospitalization programs too.)

i’ve done a lot of work growing since then, and working through my trauma, but i still have one very big problem. i can’t touch myself, i can only do it over my underwear and even then its difficult. putting in tampons, trying to finger myself, anything like that results in a big, violently shaking, crying, panic attack mess. i haven’t even been able to go to an ob/gyn yet because i am so so terrified of anyone coming close to me. i feel like i’ve been stripped of my womanhood. but mostly i feel like a fucking idiot.

there’s a guy i’ve been in love with for about 3 years now, we dated at 16 but broke up that same year because we were, well, 16. we still talk all the time & he’s my best friend, we both still love each other, and i really want something more but i’m just so terrified of letting him down because im an incompetent lover. everything about my sex life is something that i’m ashamed of. im so embarrassed to even be writing this, but if anyone has gone through something similar i would really really appreciate you reaching out, whether to give advice or even if it’s just to relate. <3