I never really been the type of teenager to drink or party I smoked weed but that was it. My younger sister was the partier. When I was 16 she was 11 and already had a bf and always bragged that she lost her virginity. She was always running away, getting drunk and going to parties. My parents couldn't control her.

Fast forward a year later. I'm 17 and I start partying as any 17 year old does. My sister who was 13 knew where I partied at and would show up every once in a while to see me. Anyway.... one weekend I'm at my boyfriends house and him his brothers their gfs and I are drinking. My boyfriend and I get into a fight and I grab a bottle and go into the backyard. A few mins later his brother who's really his cousin comes outside with me and starts talking to me asking if I'm ok. We start sharing the bottle and he asks if we should chill in the party van (a broken down van in the backyard next to the alley that we drink in) I didnt really hesitate bc hes always been a good guy and I was a little cold so I agreed. We are just chillin and drinking and after awhile he grabs my face and starts kissing me. I push him away and he starts unbuttoning my pants I'm pretty drunk and it's hard for me to really push him away. He takes off my pants and underwear and starts raping me. I'm crying and screaming. I even scratch his face but he doesn't stop. He puts his hand on my neck tight so I would stop trying to get him off me. When I stop he let's go. When hes done he says "that was fun" and leaves. I just lay there frozen and disgusted. I go back inside and fall asleep in my bfs bed.

A week later I haven't told anyone. But I feel like I have to tell my mom. So one night I decide I'm going to tell her but before I could we get a phone call from the cops saying my sister is in the hospital. We rush over to learn that she was violently raped and beat up. It was bad! My dad blamed me for her partying and it leading to her rape. My mom was already dealing with all this so...10 years later I've never told a soul what has happened to me.

I got pregnant at 17 by my boyfriend and married him a couple years later. His brother that did that to me passed away a couple years ago. I've never told my husband bc I'm ashamed and I dont want him to feel weird about it or towards me. My sister and I dont talk anymore bc shes a heartless b*tch.

Anyway I've been dealing with it pretty good these past years but lately I have been having dreams about it and I get panic attacks and cry uncontrollably when I think about it. It's been bottled in so long I feel like I need to talk about it to someone but I don't think I ever can. 10 years later you'd think I'd be over it. Idk...Sorry so long I just needed to vent.