Just venting 😤 (long post!)

Right now, my husband, my two year old daughter, and my 27-weeks-pregnant self are all living in my parents’ house.

We have been here since November 2018. We moved in because we were up to our eyeballs in debt payments - credit cards, both from irresponsible spending and some costly emergencies (mostly medical and vet bills, plus our car got totaled a couple years ago), and my student loans.

We live here rent free, which is great, but it’s not a healthy situation. My parents are very controlling about money and “their house,” to the point where I’ve literally been screamed at for leaving lights on because they’re worried about their electric bill (even though their actual usage has been lower compared to the year prior when we weren’t living here).

It’s a townhouse with two dedicated parking spaces in front of the house and we’re never allowed to park in either of them, “because it’s their house,” even though it means we have to walk a long way from where we can park with our toddler and me being pregnant.

My dad has been abusive my entire life, mostly explosive anger, controlling behavior, and threats, but there have been some physical altercations as well (not since we’ve been living here this time, but I don’t think that really excuses past times). He is in therapy now and on medication, since the screaming-about-the-lights-on incident, and he’s literally out of work because he’s suicidal. I’m nervous every day that he could snap and harm me or my family.

Since having my own child, I’ve realized that my mom has been enabling his behavior my whole life as well, and I’ve come to be very bitter towards her about the part she played in exposing me to an abusive father my whole life. She has always had a well-paying job and could easily have left my dad when my sister and I were young, but she never did. Knowing now how little my husband would have to do as far as being abusive towards me or my children for me to leave him, I can’t believe she allowed us to be abused (along with her, of course). I’ve tried talking to her about it and she’s very much in the “I think I can fix him” mindset so there’s no talking to her really.

Then, in addition to all the personality conflicts and mental health issues, there is mold in the bathroom drains which is causing a smell (meaning there’s enough mold to be released into the air to smell it), and there’s something wrong with their sewer drainage so that sometimes our bedroom fills with sewer smells, and they refuse to do anything about it, like calling a plumber or fixing it themselves.

So to put it simply, I don’t trust my parents, and I don’t feel safe here, physically because of my dad’s propensity for explosive anger and potentially physical engagement, or because of the dangerous smells from mold and sewage, or mentally, as the fear of “the shit hitting the fan” and something bad happening to me or my family is high.

Anyway, my husband and I have both received large increases in our salaries (about $20k total) and since we’ve been here nearly a year, we’ve paid off a lot of our debts and structured our remaining debt so that it is more easily able to be managed. I want to move out. We don’t have savings to buy a home, so our option would be to rent, which is what we were doing before anyway. My husband looked at places to rent and decided he loves this 3 bedroom townhouse “because it feels like a home,” but it’s also the most expensive option he looked at.

We have moved about once a year for the past four years and I love the idea of having a place we can stay for a while and raise our kids. I was very excited about it.

Now, he’s being all grumpy and miserable and saying that he’s upset because he’s thinking about how if we just stay with my parents for another few months, we could save enough for a small down payment. I’m absolutely terrified of staying here. I feel like every day we go without an incident with my parents is a miracle, and any minute could be the one where they flip out and someone gets hurt. Not to mention the potentially dangerous nature of the mold and sewer gases coming into our living spaces. I want to move before our baby comes (due November 30), because I know postpartum moving is very difficult and also because I don’t want my controlling parents anywhere near me or my newborn.

My husband is big, 6’1”, so I don’t know if he’s ever felt physically in danger by anyone in his life. Meanwhile I’m a useless 5’3” (and pregnant) so I feel scared of an altercation all the time.

I’m just so upset. I feel like my husband doesn’t understand what he’s asking of me. To him, it’s just a few months. To me it’s the prospect of being trapped, postpartum over the winter (when I get seasonal depression and so does my dad), controlled, and scared for my safety and that of my children. I’d pay anything to feel safe and at ease. He just doesn’t get it. I feel like he thinks I’m being a jerk, wanting to waste money on rent for 3-4 years (while we pay off our debts) when we MIGHT be able to buy in a few months, but I just don’t think he gets how depressed I am here. I get so upset thinking about staying. I’d move out tomorrow if I could.

Edited to add: the details of the abusive nature of my father are long, and that’s not really the point of this post. The bottom line is I do not feel safe around him. As an example, when we were children, on more than one occasion, my sister and I were beaten. I have had doors punched down. I have been punched in the face. I have fled from my home in the middle of the night fearing for my life. When I say I don’t feel safe, please believe that I don’t. My dad has been clinically diagnosed with something called “intermittent explosive disorder.” His anger is truly out of control. When he starts yelling, nobody ever knows if he’s going to start swinging fists, so him screaming at me about leaving lights on (literally, one time, for about half an hour) is actually a very scary situation when I’m home alone with my toddler and fearing that I could be beaten or attacked. I have very legitimate concerns that one day my dad could have a bad day or his medication could fuck up and he could just decide to literally murder me and/or my kids.

As far as “their house their rules,” that’s fine, but it’s their house their plumbing so I shouldn’t have to pay my own money to fix their poison house. I’d much rather use my money to leave and go somewhere safe than pay to fix the plumbing in a place I feel unsafe.

Any anyway, if I’m such an ungrateful brat, wouldn’t it be better if I leave my saintly parents alone to live in “their house,” if I have “such a problem with it?”

I’m very grateful for the opportunity to get our finances more in order, but I don’t think continuing this situation is worth putting myself and my family at risk, and I’m upset with my husband for making me feel like we need to stay here when we do have the money to leave if we rent, and our debts will still be paid off in 3-4 years at which point we can save for a house.

Also, my baby was planned but we had only been here a couple months and things hadn’t gotten as bad yet by then, so we didn’t think it would be an issue to stay. We were honestly delusional to think it would be fine. My dad has been abusive my whole life and I feel like I was honestly so idiotic to move back in but that’s where we are. I know abused people do stupid things (obviously, I’m one of them) but I really don’t want to repeat my mom’s mistakes and live with an abusive person just because it might be financially easier to do so.

I’m not perfect, obviously, but I still don’t think that means that I should have to live with my family in a situation that is not safe for us. A few more months feels like too big a risk with my dad being literally suicidal (he’s not even working right now because of it), he’s completely unpredictable. He could wake up tomorrow and decide to burn down the house with everyone in it, or he could be fine for the next ten years. The fact that there’s even a possibility of him losing it, I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

Also, I challenge any of you who are saying I’m being a brat to imagine if I said my husband was abusing me and paying for my housing. If I said “I can afford to leave my abusive husband if I rent but my sister is trying to convince me to stay a few months to save to buy a place instead and I don’t want to,” I don’t think you’d be telling me to be grateful my abusive husband is paying for my house and to stop being such a bitch and just stay. At least I hope not. Toxic people are toxic no matter what relationship you have with them, and financial benefits shouldnt outweigh someone’s right to feel safe.