I turned 29 last month & I’ve been married for 6 years now. I moved out of my parents house & was able to support myself since I was 19. I’ve always been self sufficient, anything I wanted I got it no matter my circumstances. Except actually conceiving a child. This has been the hardest most heartbreaking journey I’ve ever been on. I’ve never told my family about our journey because we wanted it to be a surprise. The first time we were sure to get a positive, it was negative. A week later a cousin of mines announced she was pregnant. It hurt because I was for sure it was going to be my moment. I know it’s silly but it put me in a depressed state I couldn’t just “snap out of”. It hurt me because she’s a HORRIBLE parent. She has an older daughter who she yells always at & belittles just let roam the streets all day. She’s a heavy smoker & smoked her normal half a pack a day with both pregnancies along with heavy drinking. Her oldest takes more care of her youngest than she does!

A year later the same thing happens AGAIN but with a different cousin. Again I was for sure that it was going to be my month. The morning I tested I got a painful negative yet again so I sulked in peace on my bathroom floor. A few minutes later I get a text from my family group chat. It was a picture of a positive test. I don’t know what got over me but I stood up & threw my phone into my bathroom wall not caring that I destroyed it. I had this urge to break everything on my sight. I’ve never had this happen before.

I want to be happy for my family members but I can’t because I’m so enraged at myself for not doing the 1 thing a human is designed to do & thats procreate.

I’ve thought about fostering & adoption but it isn’t got me. It’s so much you have to go through because he birth mom has all the rights to the child. I can’t even deal with family members having children. I doubt in strong enough to go those routes.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was on the phone with my mom & she mentions to me that my brother impregnated his girlfriend. It took everything in me to mask the heavy crying I was doing. I hung up from her & basically destroyed the top floor of my house. I was so exhausted I passed out & fell asleep. I haven’t left my bed besides to use the bathroom & I didn’t even want to get up for that. It’s been 10 days now & I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I just want to be happy for others instead of turning green with envy.