I’m torn about this baby and about my decisions I’m a horrible person

I’ve been on and off 3 years with my ex. We met at the age of 18 , we wanted a child we tried and I miscarried one . Found out he was cheating in many ways , the few aunts I knew of in his family I did know was toxic, I found out after our relationship ended the truth behind them . I should’ve known better when he couldn’t even take care of a puppy he brought home to me as a present for us , that I winded up providing and caring for & was left with until he . away due to noticing the change of us both not taking care of him. We ended badly , a year later we reconnected by him telling me happy birthday , I told him happy birthday a month later since we’re a month apart both 22 now . We went out , caught up eventually had a weekend of passion. I strictly wanted sex and that’s all but later found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My pregnancy was up and down , secretes were revealed , I learned why he kept me away from his ratchet, toxic , torn , manipulative family . He was in & out of the beginning of my pregnancy due to us fighting , yelling , peddy arguments & him being immature about a lot of things. He came back when I was 4 months pregnant & stayed until she was a month old and became on & off with our daughter . He stopped going to appointments, stopped coming over to help , stop being a parent . I provided for my own pregnancy and I had bought so many things to last until she was 4-5 months with some help from my parents . That went to my daughter only being able to depend on me & her grand parents . I recently lost my grandma in July , I was tracking ovulation and it worked it prevented us from pregnancy for 6 months . Things continued to change his sex , he would leave my home early and basically was there to play and nap with our daughter . The night I went to see my grandma he had our daughter at my home . I came in and broke down, he used that moment and had sex with me ( yes I play a big part I could’ve not replied to his DMs, I could’ve cut all sex off like I needed to because he didn’t deserve my body so it’s my fault too . But to be this evil is inhuman. I found out I was pregnant again, 6 months postpartum, I knew it before the test . I told him he told me to get an abortion, he had another child which wind up now not being true . He said it was because he was scared 🙄,.. bs . He then expressed how he wanted to talk & fix things , made a few jokes . he was sorry , these words are from the words of his mouth but as y’all an see who can trust him ? How could I believe that ? . Bullshit again . He recently saw our daughter which was the 3rd time this month. Since everything else secretively he has going on is much more important than our baby girl . He wanted to get our daughter for days but won’t tell me where and all his family has my info which I gave willingly thinking we were all cool and cordial . When he gave me an address it was to a dirt road 🤦🏽‍♀️a fucking dirt road & you’ve guessed it right , more lies came behind that . He doesn’t want to help me with our6 month old , he doesn’t provide , give time . NOTHING to our daughter . I was sooo stupid to have let a boy ruin my life so much and make it so hard. Right now I’m booking an abortion, I feel depressed, I barely eat , I barely want to deal with my 6 month old , I don’t want the abortion but I’m going to struggle so much doing it alone with 2 under two . Work ? Daycare ? All the expenses of a 2nd child on me ! No sleep, how could I do this ? If I have this baby will I block my blessings ? If I get rid of this baby will I have karma ? I convinced myself I could do this for 2 weeks after finding out until today . Sure my mom and dad could help , partially my grand father too . But they do enough ! While still having 2 children of their own 7 & 2 ( my brother and sister , yes they started over again lol ) . My parents are 38 & 54 . This situation . These feelings . This all makes me never want to have children , fall in love . Emotionally I am cut . Mentally I feel lost and out of it, mind you I’m in the middle of trade school, how can I focus with this going on ? When I need this profession to provide for my daughter? 🥺 . I just feel like a terrible woman , mother and person . I’m thinking thoughts i shouldn’t . Like giving up my daughter , and giving up my life . I just want this pain to go away 💔. I’m sorry😞 .. I just needed to vent as I cry silently next to my daughter as she sleeps soundly next to me .