So this is gonna be a kinda long one, usually asking the internet for help doesn't really yield any productive results or realizations, but I'm really confused rn and need to vent/get advice.

I've been on and off dating this guy (we'll call him M) for about a year now (on and off because it was super casual in the beginning, and because of distance later on.. not because we fight lol)

We met in my home state while I was living with my parents after graduating still looking for a job. He was there temporarily working on a pipeline. We met via tinder. Things were always pretty casual. We would meet up once a week on his only day off to have sex/cuddle and otherwise hang out. He came to my parents house to hang out and everyone loved him. We had a lot of fun together, but we always just had a FWB vibe to me. He wouldn't grab my hand, pda, cuddle on the couch, randomly kiss me if he wasn't trying to fuck, call me pet names or compliment me. He treated me well but those kinds of things really mean a lot to me in a romantic relationship. I have to admit in hindsight though this was partially my fault; I had been totally destroyed by a lying acting fuckboy about 8 months prior to meeting this guy and was still not completely over him. The fuckboy used to lay the sweetness on real think and it gave me PTSD when M did that so I guess he was trying to respect my boundaries. Still though, I didn't really feel like he wanted more. Sometimes when he'd get drunk his true feelings would sneak out and he'd compliment me or be more lovey on me but I thought he's just drink and that's what drunk people do. I did start to really like him but again that flirty lovey stuff was missing, even though I would try to initiate it by grabbing his hand, snuggling up to him, hugging and kissing him randomly he wouldn't discourage it but he never really did it back.

About 5 months in his job ends and he moves back to his home state for a little while before he's supposed to go to Illinois for a job. I decide to go live with my friend in Atlanta since jobs in my state are sparse and my family was going to suffocate me of I stayed there. My (male) Atlanta friend, P, and I have always had a odd relationship. We annoy the hell out of each other but also get each other like no one else. We have been on and off FWB before, but never when the other is dating someone else. The sex is good and it's safer and easier than going to find some random off tinder so when were not legit dating anyone, why not?

So I move down to Atlanta with P, but we dont do anything because I have feelings for M. M comes for new years, and I go to.his home state after to visit for a week. I knew he was going to live in Illinois so at the end of the week we say some really long hard goodbyes, I sob while I drive back to Atlanta. A couple days later I'm texting M and he tells me he loves me of the first time. I say I love him too. I wallow in self pity for a while knowing I can't be with him and that I don't wanna be long distance so we stay talking but don't really discuss anything about it further.

So since M is going to Illinois and I'm alone in Atlanta with only P, after I stop being super sad P and I start being FWB again. M and I are still talking but it's pretty friendly because we both assume he's going to Illinois. The job up there just ghosts him, though. The guy who told him about it just stops replying to his texts, and so he's kinda of just stuck in his home state taking care of his niece and nephews and just helping out his family.

Even though I knew he loved me and everything it still kinda bothered me that he didn't show it the way I need him too, that and idk if our life plans really match up. I want to travel (I have a degree in tesol) and that doesn't lend itself well to most jobs. So we still talked casually and P and I were still hooking up occasionally. M decides he's gonna move to Atlanta (again me being stupid I think it's mostly for opportunities). He's been here for about 2 months now and found out about P and I. Things exploded, he was extremely hurt, said he only came to Atlanta for me. I feel like absolute trash and so dumb that I didn't see that he really liked me from the beginning but tbh he was really vague about. We've had a long talk about this and about all the things he never did that I equate with feeling loved, he says he didn't do those things because he was afraid of scaring me off. I explained that things between P and I are just out of sheer need and they have no feelings behind them. Things have been quiet and distant between us and he says if I want to still see him I will have to cut off all contact with P, whom I live with.

I love him and my heart is hurting a lot right now. I'm super confused about what I want or what is best for me. On the one hand I love him and I wanna see where this goes, but on the other hand I don't know if he's gonna treat me like how I wanna be treated because I have no reference for how that would be. The last time we met up he was really trying to do all those things I told him meant a lot to me but it kinda only made me sad that he was trying so hard not to lose me completely. Especially since I know I hurt him a lot and he's still trying to love me. I have plans of travelling the world and I don't know how he'd fit with that. I'm scared to leave the apartment I just signed a lease on to see if this works out, because what if it fails later and I spent all this money and time and energy for nothing? One day I'm certain the right thing for me is to break things off and another I feel like I should move and try to be with him. I don't know how to sort out my feelings or make a decision.

Sorry this was so long, thanks for any advice you can give me!