in early march i started talking to a guy four years older than me. we talked for a few weeks and i wasn't interested in being in a relationship with him, even tho he constantly made sexual remarks towards me. he was trouble. he wasn't at school the two weeks or so we were talking because he had oss, so id only talked irl with him one time. he always talked ab how he wanted to fuck me and because he wasn't the first dude to say shit like that and he wouldn't be the last, i didn't bother to tell him to stop. he said he wanted to hang out but i have strict parents so school was the only place we'd see each other. and i loved that because he couldn't do anything to me there. at least i thought. the day he raped me id agreed to meet up with him because he had a dab pen and ya ya ik shame on me. but when we met up he led me into a bathroom stall and started making out with me. ive been kissed before and i figured this dudes ab to let me hit his pen it's w.e but then he started getting handsy and that was when i stepped back. i was pretty much against the wall and he was blocking the stall door. i barely knew this dude so idk how he'd react and idk if he'd hurt me or make lies about me. i was scared of what he wanted but he before i could really wrap my head around everything he was stepping towards me and putting his hands up my shirt and kissing me hard. i was so scared and didn't know what was going to happen if i tried to leave and i feel so stupid for not even trying to say no. he raped me for nearly a whole class period. when he'd finished he looked at me and smiled and said we should do that again sometime. i wanted to puke. he took my virginity and did things and had me do things i would never have wanted for my first time. he took that from me and didn't even give a damn. after i left the bathroom i saw a male friend of mine and i was so disgusted with myself but he smiled at me and hugged me and he didn't know how fucked up i was in that moment but i cried in his arms while i recounted ever disgusting and violating detail. i never planned on coming forward with my rape, but someone else had seen what was happening and decided it was funny so they recorded it and it went all around my school. but no body knew that i was raped. there was just a slutty girl giving head at school(that's what was recorded).

nobody knows how much im truly hurting and my family doesn't know it was rape, they just see me as a whole as well and make jokes ab the whole thing and it hurts so much.

he was arrested a few weeks ago with three different charges. he got bailed out. he's in a relationship. he's been in it since he raped me. and that makes me feel even lower. all he saw me for was something to fuck. and when he was done with me, he moved on. but i can't move on. sometimes i can't be touched. but my family doesn't respect that. my mom will make sexual remarks to me and pinch my ass and get mad at me when i blow up.

im not asking for anyone's pity idek if anyone's gonna read all this shit. but i just wanted to get some shut off my chest. sometimes i think of him and the feeling if him inside of me and i get so disgusted with myself because idk why but i get wet and i don't want him. So why does my body react to him?? i just want to forget all this shit. I want to move in and be happy and not scared and I want to be able to be intimate with someone but I feel like this is all going to get in the way. I just want help.

i think im gonna leave it at

sorry for the length and if you did take the time to read this, thank you. and if you've gone through something like this or are suffering like i am, i understand how you feel. it gets better. it takes a shit ton of time and tears, but it does. and i love you and it's okay.