Last night my boyfriend and I bickered because I came over to his house and brought food to eat. I was starving, and I can only eat soft food because I have half a tooth missing and it’s SO painful.

Little did I know his family and all of them were there and had a cookout going. So I wasted $ on food (I’m broke as fuck) and I also wasn’t prepared to deal with his family either. They kept staring at me wondering why I wasn’t eating. And probably wondering why I didn’t seem super happy to be there because I just didn’t have the energy to be up there and fake happy.

This week I work 12 hour shifts every day and I thought today was OUR day, since I won’t see him all week, and he’s off for the next few days!! Little did I know he signed us up for 2 different sets of plans, today, that he never even thought to mention to me.

I have told him COUNTLESS times to not spring stuff on me, and to COMMUNICATE with me. Otherwise, I’m going to get upset, I’m going to say no to the plans, and the other people are going to be let down. However he is relentless and will not stop trying to spring shit on me. I have terrible anxiety, specifically social anxiety, and when I don’t have things planned out in my mind and someone says “oh hey we’re going to this place you’ve never been to in the big city over and these people you barely know are coming” I want to have a panic attack.

When we argued about this last night, he let out a long exasperated sigh and said “fine. But don’t get mad when I go out and don’t invite you to anything anymore.”

That’s not what I want to hear. I want him to say: “I’m sorry I made plans without asking you if you felt up to them. I understand you have anxiety and I understand that you need some notice and I’m sorry I didn’t communicate with you. From now on, I’ll ask first.”

(I was in therapy for a few months but my insurance ran out, but I scheduled an apt appointment for a low cost clinic & it starts in October.)

The first plan he sprung on me was going to his friends house to work on his car.

A) idgaf about cars and I don’t even know his friend

B) what am I supposed to do, stand around and wait several hours?

If I made plans to drag him to a Sephora with one of my girlfriends and talk about makeup for hours, he would be so irritated. He’d be on his phone and asking me to leave every 10 minutes.

The second was going on a double date to this huge mall plaza area after we finished that with his best friend and his girlfriend.

I think that’s where we differ. He’s always down for spontaneous adventures and plans and meeting new people. I however just want to stay home with my dogs and relax. He doesn’t see it as a problem, and he thinks I’m being dramatic.

I know my anxiety is a problem, it’s a big problem. But I need him to support me and help me slowly get out of my shell.. not send me into a panic attack by making plans and then making me look like the bad guy because I don’t want to. When we argue about this, I feel so hurt, misunderstood, and frustrated.

I’m embarrassed, I feel guilty, and I feel like I’m not a good girlfriend because I’m so difficult, and I have to have things a certain way. I mean everyone knows I’d LOVE to just go with the flow, but that’s not how my brain works.

When we first started talking he made it sound like we’re the same. He said he likes to stay in for the most part, and doesn’t really go out a lot. He said he has anxiety too (he only gets it when he goes grocery shopping??) so I was like “oh wow maybe he’ll understand me.” But I just always feel like I’m the one being difficult when I literally cannot help it.

I guess I just typed all this to rant, but if anyone with anxiety could help me out, I’d appreciate it.