Always prepared for the worst

Long post warning. According to Glow and an opk I ovulated around Sunday so I have now entered my tww.

I had my first round of clomid cycle days 5-9. I was told to BD cycle days 12-14. Fortunately as soon as I got my + opk on day 10,otherwise I would have missed it, My husband and I started to BD and will continue as directed which will be tomorrow. But are you supposed to ovulate so soon off of clomid?

I have tested again yesterday and today and have -. I have this terrible habit of always thinking the worst, so that I do not get hurt. I had a chemical pregnancy in July and Never felt right about the pregnancy once I found out. I was sad and upset when it happened but not surprised. I want to have a baby with my husband. He is the greatest man I have ever known and I want something that is just ours and no one else's. (He has two children from a previous marriage and I have one).

My last marriage was a nightmare, there was a lot of mental abuse including sleep deprivation and being told I was nothing without him. My ex husband still sends me the most horrific text about the loss of my two babies, (I had a stillborn son 19 years ago and the recent chemical.) He claims God is punishing me because I'm a horrible mother, I raised his oldest daughter since she was three, she is my daughter no matter what anyone says and I am fighting for full custody of our 15 yr old.

My life would be perfect right now if my daughter and I did not have to deal with him. But is because of him that I have such a negative perspective on things. What if I can't get pregnant?

I want this baby because I always wanted more kids of my own but when I was married to my ex he lied to me and eventually got a vasectomy. Though I am very thankful we did not have more together.

But since my ex started putting me down and my husband, I now also want to have a baby to prove him wrong. AND that I think God will punish me for.

So sorry this was a general ttc and turned into a rant. I am just so overwhelmed by the entire process.