All our children have been surprises...

Bear with me as this is long ...

My husband and I were married for four months when I got pregnant the first time (I had just switched from nuvaring to the pill) ...then when my son was 11 months I was still on the minipill and got pregnant with my second. (I couldn’t get in to dr to switch to regular and honestly we weren’t really preventing as we were going to try for a second soon anyways)

Fast forward to when my middle is 3 years old and we bought our first house and we decided to try for another in a few months so I got off pill. Yea she came the first month. Lol

Now we have two boys and a girl and we feel content and haven’t really talked about another kid... Christmas eve after my daughter turns one we have a super sexy night by the Christmas tree and my husband doesn’t pull out.. I knew I was pregnant.. we were in shock but excited .. mix of emotions for 4 under 6... then our sweet boy passed away at 17weeks. Heartbroken... took a long time to heal from that and even having sex with my husband was so hard because he would pull out and I’d cry because I wanted my boy back... so we decided to be done...a little too late because I was pregnant again. (He looked at me and I got pregnant we like to joke) By this point we felt like no way could we lose another, I mean, we have three healthy kids. Well at 14 weeks she had no heartbeat. Another D&E and another time we had to tell our kids about another baby dying.

So now here we are with a 10,8 & 5 year old and even though it’s been 4 years since the first and 2 years since the second, I still can’t stop wanting another baby. I don’t even know if I can carry a baby to term or even get pregnant but what I do know is the desire won’t go away. And my husband has decided he doesn’t want anymore children. 😢 our kids are older and easy and we’ve moved out of babies and into school age and he doesn’t want to go back.

I’m not going to try and convince him but I need help accepting that this season for us may be over and I may never get my fourth. We tried for a while but of course my body only likes to get pregnant by surprise I guess. I don’t know. I am trying to trust in God’s plan for our lives but man I wish my husband wanted another like I do.

This is mainly a vent but we are going to have a big talk tonight and weigh pros and cons so if you have any kind words, advice or prayers, I’ll gladly take them.

✌🏻💜😘