Ok. Back story I guess:: When I first met my husband I was NOT thin. I was chubby and wore like a size 13 or so. —-

I’m now 5’5” and 206 pounds. Size 16

My husband and I haven’t had the best sex life in a few years now.

It started when I caught him with someone I considered my best friend.

I thought about divorce. I lived in a separate room for months. I was severely depressed. —-

Things still aren’t like they were before that but I feel like he is meant to be in my life and it’s been over 10 years and I’m not exactly a super hot chick that can go out an get any man I so please when I want. So I forgave him and decided I was going to live my life anyway.

I have gained weight from getting older- hormone problems- depression- lack of real nutrition in my diet. Living on cheap carb filled foods didn’t help either. I have gone to the gym. Limited what I eat. How much I eat. What I do. Bought an Apple Watch to do activity tracking. — I gained more weight. I have a horrible self appearance. I don’t like getting naked in front of the mirror. I don’t like wearing normal jeans or button up blouses any more. — he has lost. Lot of weight. He got a high labor job and that helped him with his weight loss of about 40+ pounds. His family I notice is generally chubby in younger age then lose weight in older age. Lucky fuckers.

About a year ago our sex life fell off the face of the planet. He didn’t try to have sex with me. He barely flirts with me. He would make under his breath comments of my weight and always compared his self to me by saying stuff like well I only weigh ___ pounds. Or I’m only a size medium not an xl like you. My feelings get so hurt all I do I cry and sleep. I started a low carb diet because I’m unhappy with myself and obviously so is he. I am losing weight. I have lost 19 pounds and three inches off my belly in a month by changing literally everything I eat and how I live my life. He still doesn’t want to have sex with me. He has initiated sex once in the last 4 months and it was because he was drunk. every night when he goes to bed ( he goes early generally because he starts work at 4am- I am a night owl and work opposed shifts as he does so I am generally awake until he leaves for work) instead of initiating sex or even saying let’s have sex for Pete’s sake he just goes to the bedroom and masturbates.

Meaning he would rather have sex with himself instead of have sex with me.

I want to have sex with him but he will say stuff like your cloths look stretched out today and I don’t exactly feel like taking them off in front of him.

He says I’m pretty or cute or beautiful but can say hurtful things to me as well and almost cancel everything else he says out.

Idk.

I’m awake when he wakes up and gets ready and leaves for work. I’m awake when he gets home from work. I leave for work after he is home. I get home and stay awake until he leaves. So there is time there. We use to have quickies everyday. Sometimes more than once once before he left and once before I left.

Im just.

I’m lost.

I’m just sitting here wondering wtf I’m still doing here. And wondering if he was so truly unhappy those few years ago why didn’t he leave when I told him he was welcomed to. Honestly at what point do people throw their arms in the air and say ok. I’m done. ?

And who’s to say that if I lose the weight I want to lose if I am going to be attractive to him again. What if I have loose skin? Would he make comments on that instead of my muffin top?

Sorry for the novel ......

I needed to vent. I did it on here because I don’t feel like I really have anyone In my life I’m really able to do that with for reals. ☮️