When I was 11 I went to summer camp. We stayed in dorm rooms but my roommate left after the first night so I slept in a room alone the whole time. I remember so much about camp but for some reason I have always had this strange static image of me sitting up in bed because someone was coming into my room. I don’t remember anything else so I always thought that I dreamt it. Later that year is when a lot of my mental health problems started and a lot of those problems have persisted even now, 16 years later. Occasionally I remember that image and I get very unsettled and it has been happening more and more lately. On top of that my anxiety has been out of control so I finally opened up to my husband about things I have never told anyone and decided to find a therapist, which up until now I have always been afraid of doing. He was supportive and last night I went to bed feeling pretty good.

My husband didn’t come to bed until I was already sleeping. When he got into the bed it woke me up but something happened. I felt someone getting into the bed on top of me. I opened my eyes and my husband was laying down on his side of the bed, not even facing me. But my skin was crawling. I had a chill down my spine and the right side of my neck is so tense, like if someone tickles your neck and you kind of scrunch your shoulders up. My chest hurt and I was breathing so heavy. It’s hours later and I’m still awake because I can’t make my body relax, it’s still so tense and I feel sick!

I think my brain is trying to create fake memories to fill in the gaps and explain where some of my problems came from. I just can’t believe that something would have happened to me that I would forget. I keep telling myself it’s not real, it’s not real but I can’t shake it. I feel like a horrible person because so many people actually experience that and they remember it and I feel like my brain is just making things up. How do I get rid of these thoughts???

I know that people hurt kids too often. We didn’t have keys for our dorms and the counselors all had access to the rooms in case of emergencies. I know it’s not outside the realm of possibility. But it can’t be true. I would have remembered. I just need it to stop.