Missing my baby..

I have really bad anxiety at night and when my SO leaves... I have cried almost every night/day this week. I cant stop thinking about the small pieces of that day right now. I had a dream about saving him, and I am so sad. I am so sad I couldn't have saved him. I am so sad.. My heart is so broken and I just keep thinking about when I was giving him CPR and the EMT rushed in the room and I just pleaded for him to take him and save my baby... I just want my baby.. I really want my baby back I really need my baby. I feel so broken..