Hey guys

This might be sort of long but I wanted to share my story because I want you all to know you’re not alone and that if you have been raped or abused, your story doesn’t end there, nor does it define you. And that’s something I had to learn.

When I was 8/9 years old I was regularly raped and sexually abused, and growing up in a Christian home I was taught that sex is wrong but I was too young to understand I was a victim and I felt guilty. I felt that if I reached out for help or told anyone then I’d get in trouble. My parents didn’t know it was going on, and I was afraid to tell them.

It caused a lot of damage and heartache. I felt unsafe whenever my parents left the house because that’s when the relative of mine would take advantage of me. I eventually was able to fight back enough, and stay close to my siblings so he couldn’t catch me alone, but it still happened a lot. The mental toll and trauma was too much to handle so I blocked it out for years. I was always hearing that Christians should forgive and move on, so I thought I had to just forgive him and if I came forward then I was causing unnecessary problems because I couldn’t just forgive him. Over the years it started to hurt more to think about and I fell into a deep depression. I tried to kill my self, I was hospitalized, I went through therapy, but I still hadn’t told anyone. When I was 17 (19 now), something inside of me snapped. I got angry. I started drinking to forget, I started feeling these intense feelings of rage and anger and would lash out and punch walls and ram my head against the stone wall in my shower. I told my therapist about these feelings of uncontrollable rage and she asked me if there was something I had been too scared to share. I told her yes but it still took a few weeks and sessions for me to be able to tell her what had happened when I was a kid. Since I was a minor, she would have to report it to the police, and I still felt a little guilty and didn’t want to cause problems. But I was at rock bottom and she helped me get over those feelings of shame and come forward. She promised it would be okay and that it wasn’t my fault.

Fast forward a couple days and long night in the psych ward in the hospital, and my therapist had to tell my parents (one of the only things a therapist is required to inform parents of when you’re a minor).

Going through it all and sharing what happened re-traumatized me, and I spiraled. I felt so exposed and I just didn’t feel safe. My dad came to talk to me after my mom told him about what my therapist had shared with her, and he accused me of lying. He told me I could wreck the family and that he could lose his standing in the church. He said I could take it back and admit to making it up, and I got angry. I yelled at him and said I wasn’t lying. He asked the man who had abused me and he denied it. I was shattered. I felt so betrayed and alone. I told my dad he was lying and he said “then you’ll have to meet with him and tell him what you said to his face.” I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t believe it. Then my dad came over to try and hug me because I was crying but I already felt violated and exposed and didn’t want anyone to touch me, especially not someone who said I was making it up. I pushed him away but he forced himself on me (not in a sexual way, just literally forced me to hug him) and I fricking lost it. I shoved him and punched my dad and screamed at him to get off me. He got angry and left.

I thought my whole world was ending.

But fast forward a couple days later and my abuser admitted to what he’d done. He met with my therapist and I and we talked together. He apologized and started crying, and promised he’d do whatever I needed to help me heal, even if that meant I never saw him again.

Fast forward through several months of intense therapy, a lost friend over the news and closer relationships with some friends, and I was doing SO MUCH BETTER. My anger was manageable, my anxiety had gone from a score of 89% to 32% on tests my therapist gave me, and I saw a light at the end of my tunnel of depression. My self harming habits stopped and I started to fall in love with life again. I started wanting to be alive and enjoying my time with people. I felt more secure in myself and more peace in my heart.

Recovery takes time. It takes patience. It takes learning to take care of yourself and evolving your mindset to one of optimism and how you can use your pain, your trauma, and your story to help others going through the same thing.

I was kicked out of my home recently as well, and now that I’m away from the toxic Christianity I was stuck in, I feel like I have been able to fully heal. Fully accept what happened and say “hey yknow what, I’m not a sinner I’m not broken, I wasn’t made of less value because of what happened.” Before I met my boyfriend, Christians said things like “you might not want to tell anyone because they’ll look at you different” or “don’t tell people about your past, they’ll lose interest or be uncomfortable.” But when I shared what happened with my S/O, after I explained everything I said “I understand if you aren’t interested anymore or need some time apart to process and decide if you still want to be with me.” Because that’s what I expected from what I was told. But he got teary eyed and said “Are you kidding? I love you even more now, because you trusted me enough to share this, and I see how strong you are for coming out the other side a better person.”

Some nights I still wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares. But my loving boyfriend is there to hold me and tell me everything is okay and turn on a light or cuddle until I fall back asleep.

So I guess what I’ve learned, is that life gets better. Here I am, just turned 19, I’ve been through rape, emotional abuse, toxic religion, depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and losing my family and being kicked out because I’m not a Christian virgin (yes they kicked me out because I’m not a virgin), and my life has never been better. I am so happy to be alive. I wake up with a smile on my face and I go to bed happy. Some days are hard. The trauma creeps back in but I’ve learned how to cope in healthy ways. I stopped drinking. I feel safe in my new home.

So whatever you’re going through, wether you were hurt recently or a decade ago, your feelings are valid. But you’re not going to be stuck in the hurt forever.

I’m here if anyone needs to talk or wants advice or help ❤️❤️❤️