So i’ve been friends with benefits with this one guy for 8 months now... we’re super close and all but he doesn’t want anything serious right now and is up front about it which I respect. I had an IUD the entire time so i never worried one bit... until i got pregnant and found out July 9th. When i told him he was very understanding and actually apologized and expressed how responsible and sorry he felt for it happening. He left the choice up to me and i decided on getting an abortion in the end... he told me choose what i want so i did. After the abortion he helped me out with some stuff and took me to my follow up appointment. After that i started having serious serious feelings for him and haven’t figured out how i should deal with my feelings yet. I know i can’t tell him and if i do the time has to be absolutely right... i wouldn’t say i regret the abortion because i think i made the right decision for myself at the time... but i’d definitely say i got baby fever AFTER the fact that i went through all that which drives me nuts! My best friends are all having babies and getting married and i’ve just been super depressed over the whole thing. A part of me does in fact miss it.. everybody says i shouldn’t be depressed and i really need support but i don’t have any way to connect with support groups.

Anywho... i have sex with him still but i no longer have my IUD since they needed to take it out... and i have been feeling some hardcore symptoms like nearly fainting, needing more sleep, nausea, and food aversions. All of which are definitely things i felt before... had my first period after the whole thing August 31st... i had sex on the last day of my period which was September 4th. But the condoms kept on breaking that night for some stupid reason i have no clue why.... so i’ve beens super paranoid.

I took a DIY bleach urine test and it was definitely a positive although i try not to trust it even if it is the most claimed to be accurate DIY method. So i plan on getting a test sometime soon..

I CAN NOT go through another abortion. I couldn’t take it... idk what i’d do with myself if i got another one. But like having a baby especially with somebody i’m not officially with is scary. I have no clue what to do if i am... how could this even happen to me?! I can’t be THAT fertile to where i have 2 as close to impossible pregnancies back to back... like what is my flippin luck if i am?! I’m not even trying and this is all happening to me. I’m not sure how to feel about all of this at all. I’m definitely scared. But somehow deep down there’s a small spark of happiness. I can’t think straight and i’m pretty sure i’ll need to throw up in a few seconds... 😭