19 weeks pregnant and not excited

I’m pregnant without very unplanned and in expected surprise baby, our EIGHTH. I was in denial for the first few weeks. So much so that I didn’t make my first prenatal appointment until i was 11 weeks along. I’ve been showing for weeks, seeing the ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, having a definite showing belly and already dealing with pregnancy symptoms, I’ve accepted that I’m pregnant.

I am still not excited though. Even with other surprise pregnancies, at this point, I was excited and had started to form a bond with baby. Not this time! I have an anterior placenta so I don’t feel movement yet. That’s not the problem, as I’ve had an anterior placenta and it took longer to feel movement with past pregnancies.

The past few weeks have been horrible for me! It’s been one thing after another. Hubby having sports injuries, trying to figure out new school and activity schedules, kids getting sick, issues with one of the kids nursery school, unexpected bills (over $4,000 worth!) a Pinworm infestation, school starting and the need to buy all clothes and supplies at the same time as trying to figure out how to pay that $4,000. Don’t get me wrong. We normally have absolutely no issue paying our bills or buying school clothes and supplies. This unexpected bill is from a move 2 1/2 years ago that we were just I formed of NOW and given two weeks to pay before legal action, so somewhere along the way the other notifications must’ve been lost in the move. We had the money to pay it to avoid legal action but it put us in a bad place for other necessities. We’ve gotten everything the kids needed for school but it’s just been a big stress.

It seems like all the kids are pushing all the buttons to test me lately too. Misbehaving, disobeying me, talking back, fighting and arguing constantly, simply not listening. It’s been constant chaos and I’m so overwhelmed and stressed! I live overseas so I have no family or friends here. I don’t speak the language where I live. I have no help at all. My husband works all day long so all the housework, kids, school, appointments, everything is all left for me to do.

I’ve never had a pregnancy that I’ve not looked forward to bringing my baby home. All I feel this time is more stress. I wonder how I’ll do it as I get bigger and how I’ll manage with a newborn added to everything now when i am barely keeping my head above water. I honestly have no idea what to do and I feel like a horrible mother not being happy and excited