I’m a NICU nurse in a Level 3 NICU. I regularly attend c-sections and all high risk deliveries that occur on my shift. I take care of babies weighing less than a pound, and also big, healthy-looking full term babies that actually aren’t healthy at all. I’m present for the close calls, and for the deliveries that turn out to be smooth sailing. I hear the pin-dropping silence as we all hold our breath, waiting desperately for your baby to take its first in a delivery gone wrong. I’m sometimes one of the first to tell your baby “Happy Birthday!” and I’m also sometimes the last person to ever hand you your baby alive. The sound of a wailing mother being given her dying baby to hold as they take their last breaths is one I hope few people ever have to hear. The duty of a NICU nurse is a rollercoaster ride and I do, truly, love my job and every baby I take care of.

I’ll be 20 weeks tomorrow with our precious, rainbow baby son. We are over the moon excited for him to be here! However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to do my job and manage the fear and anxiety I have as we approach the age of viability. There is a constant reminder of everything that can go wrong, whether it be a preterm or full term delivery, or a vaginal birth or a c section. Our anatomy scan is this Monday and I’m TERRIFIED they will find something wrong. I have prayed and researched, and do find comfort in those. I just don’t feel like I’ll be able to breathe easy until I’m holding him in my arms, perfectly healthy...and then I’ll be stressing about everything else that could go wrong for the rest of his life 🤪

Anyway, no real point to this long-winded rant except to say that I’m scared shitless and so ready to see our baby on Monday! And major props to all of the moms that have had a baby in the NICU, no matter how long. You ladies are so strong and are my heroes!!