I just need advice 😩

My husband and I have been married a little over a year, and over the course of the last few months I just am not feeling it anymore. I’m frustrated, angry, confused, hurt... amongst so many other things. I know I am prone to overreacting and so when something is bothering me I usually try to keep it to myself and give myself time to think and control my answers before I start shit. It took me 3 days to fully compose what I needed to say to him and I kept going back and making sure everything was conveyed how I felt, not trying to be a complete bitch.. and I still feel like I’m the bad guy here for spelling out what I need.

Here’s what I sent him:

No. We’re not okay. I’m not okay. Mom always said we’d fall in and out of love and right now I’m out. I have been for a couple months. I’m stressed, exhausted, and hurting mentally, emotionally, and physically. I keep trying to see the bright side, to remember why we’re doing this, and I’m struggling with it right now. I need time to myself. And you can’t give me that. It doesn’t matter where I am, who I’m with, how many times I tell you to leave me alone in both nice and bluntly rude ways. You can’t. I’m suffocating. I feel like I’m backed into a corner with no way out. I’m also exhausted from trying to take care of you. This is not 50/50, I’m pulling us. Not just financially, but even more. I may be the only one working right now, but there’s so much more work to be done than just bringing home a check. And I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do. That’s what a manager or a mother does. And you know, you told me not to baby you, and I stopped. And everything started falling apart. I have to continually go behind you and take care of things that you say you already did or clean up messes you’ve made and that’s incredibly draining by itself, before you even factor in that I have a basically full time job and zero days off. I don’t mind helping you, that’s what a partner does.. but I have to do everything for you. I can’t just coach you into doing it yourself, you just shrug your shoulders and say something like “I’ll do better” and then move on and forget about it and then we have to have the same conversation the next time around. I hate repeating myself. Especially when it’s something easy if you just use your head, think before you speak or act. You have no plan for the future, you’re just along for the ride. I don’t want to still be pulling the weight myself for the rest of my life. You have no career picked out, nor can you seem to actually hold even an entry level job. It’s up to me to be prepared for the times you’re out of work, because it will happen again if you keep the same attitude and the same outlook. Nothing could possibly be your fault, it’s all “bad management.” Like I said, you’re not coachable. You go in with your own ideas and it’s your way or no way at all and when they don’t like your way you brush them off and then lose your job. And that’s how it’s going to work literally anywhere you go. You have to play by their rules not yours. That’s how employment works. And I see part of why. You can’t finish what you start. When you painted the other day? Remember the paint tray? Yea, you left that completely full of paint. Idk how well you cleaned the roller because I couldn’t even find it I just opened a new one. But almost half a gallon of paint was wasted because it was left sitting out. But that didn’t matter to you because someone else paid for it.. when I tell you you should go to bed, because we have something to do the next morning, you just say yea okay and keep on. Then you’re a bitch to wake up the next morning, it’s worse than fighting with a kid. I have to get up 30 minutes earlier to account for stopping my routine to remind you it’s time to get up. Or on days when I go out in the mornings, I try to wake you up and at least tell you where I’m going or offer for you to come, you refuse to talk to me, then later you start asking me all the questions about where I am who I’m with what I’m doing if you can come and then when I’m like well we’re already across town, you guilt trip me for leaving without you. You don’t really consider how your actions have a ripple effect. Everything you do, you only consider what’s going to be the immediate effect on you. No care to what might happen to me, or what might happen even to you at a later time. When I try to encourage you to think about the consequences of your actions you just get defensive and come up with an excuse or a dodge like “but I thought this way would be faster or easier” or something. You have to think about the end result, not just making it faster or easier. And you have to consider who is coming back and correcting the problems that faster/easier way created. Because most of the time it’s me. I try to get to all the things before anyone else does to cover up the messes for you. Im constantly having to pick up after you like you’re my child and as you well know I don’t want children. For that reason exactly. I don’t want to be responsible for another human. When I don’t though, things like Sunday happen. Dad wasn’t being an ass to you. He’s just fed up and not as good at hiding it as I am. I feel like because I have to redo what you do I might as well be doing it by myself. And when I try to take my time alone to recoup and recover and maybe calm down, I can’t because I always have to answer your 12,000 texts and questions or you come and find me just to tell me something insignificant that could’ve waited or “just to see what I’m doing” if I’m somewhere else hiding with a door closed I’m trying to be at peace by myself but that doesn’t exist. It doesn’t matter if I hide with mom or hide with Nick or try to be in the bathroom.. I can’t get away. I literally can’t even shit by myself, you come and knock and start talking to me, which actually really bothers me in case you didn’t know. I don’t even let mom follow me to the bathroom. Even when I was little I made her stand outside the bathroom and wait for me. And it doesn’t seem to matter how much I tell you that this stuff bothers me. You still do it. Even after you say you won’t. You do. And chasing me like that is only making me feel like I should be running further, faster. I.. I don’t know what else to tell you. I could keep going on about how I feel. But none of this is anything you haven’t heard before a thousand times. You chose not to listen. You promised me we’d always talk about our disagreements. But I’m tired of talking. My words mean nothing, I waste my time, energy, oxygen, and every word is falling on deaf ears. Actions speak louder than words. I don’t need to hear “I’ll do better” or “I’m sorry” or anything else to guilt trip me into feeling like I’m being unreasonable for wanting to be happy. I don’t need to hear any of it because I’ve heard it all before. I need to see it. Actions speak much louder than words, and I’m tired of empty promises. It’s time to grow up and act like you have something to lose. Because you do. Mom said I should give us six more months. Six months to settle into a routine, to recover from buying and remodeling a house, to recover from you being out of work, to recover from everything we’re going through right now. Six months to either figure out how to make it work, or figure out what happens next if we need to part company. That’s more than enough time to at least show me that you’re trying, show me some sort of initiative. I shouldn’t have to beg you to meet me halfway, I shouldn’t have to beg you to show me that you’re serious about the goals that I thought we shared. I understand people can’t change overnight. I could never ask that of you. It would be far too unfair. But it’s plenty of time to make a significant difference.

He came back with “6 months? Oh I can do that.” Typical man, send him a paragraph (or a novel) and he responds to one sentence 😩

Am I being unreasonable? He wasn’t like this before we got married. He helped with bills, he helped with housework, he let me have my space when I said I needed it and acted like he understood that my being introverted wasn’t an attack on him, rather I just needed a recharge.. now I feel like I’m fighting him and myself every step of the way 😭