Hubs and watches porn- but doesn’t have sex...

This is more of a vent than a rant.

I just don’t know where else to get this out. And bless the soul that makes it to the end of this.

I am currently 7 months pregnant with my rainbow baby. My husband and i have only been married 2 years; but within the last year things in our sexual life have been “vanilla.” And i have expressed that to him. I expressed i felt like he rushes through sex just to be done with it. There’s no foreplay for me. It’s just me giving him oral and then straight to sex for a good 3 minutes and then we’re done. I’ve expressed how i want (NEED!!!!) him to touch me. Want me.

And he says it’s just cause he’s tired.

Classic excuse.

I’ve just have chalked it up to me having a higher sex drive then him.

Until recently.

So as i said, I’m 7 months pregnant with my rainbow. And during the baby making process it was again, vanilla. None the less. I was able to successfully get pregnant again.

And since getting pregnant we have had sexual contact 3 times. In 7 months.

I have tried REPEATEDLY to initiate sex. Probably a few times a week. And every. Single. Time. He. Says. He’s. Too. Tired.

I sobbed in bed a few weeks ago telling him that i feel extremely distant from him, which is heartbreaking considering this is such a special time for us, and I’m just in general SAD. I feel AWFUL about myself. I feel gross. I feel unattractive. The list goes on.

Still he just says “he’s tired.” And “it’s not you. I am attracted to you. You look good.”

🙄

Finally, last night i got the balls to do something I’ve been thinking about doing. (Small back story: we have been renovating our home, it’s a 185 year old farmhouse. So the door knobs are kinda fucked up. They don’t lock and they have a giant key hole in them.) so last night, we’re on the couch. I try to initiate sex. He says he’s tired. 20 minutes later he says he’s going to go shower. Well, the shower isn’t running. So. I crouch down and look through the key hole. And sure enough. He’s sitting on the toilet. Scrolling through his phone. And then starts jacking himself off to porn. And hell yes i opened the door and said “sorry. Got to pee.” With him just frozen like a deer in headlights cause his ass got caught.

Devastation does not begin to describe what i was feeling. My husband has been choosing to watch porn and get himself off, rather than be intimate with me. For who knows how long.

And hear me out: I’ve tried watching porn with him in the past, and he said he’s not into it. I’ve gone to sex shops and have gotten toys, outfits, EVERYTHING. I’m an open minded person. (I have actually had a lot more sexual partners than him in the past. I’m a VERY sexual person. And physical touch is my love language.)

I’ve asked him what he wants in bed. What he prefers? He says “he likes it all” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Y’all. I cannot even stomach him touching me at all at this point. I’m crushed. Ive never felt so repulsive and unattractive in my life. My bigger worry now is that he CANT have sex with me because he’s gotten his brain wired to get off by watching porn.

He said he does want to have sex but is nervous because of the Baby and the fact we’ve had such a traumatic miscarriage before and “doesn’t want to mess anything up.”

And so i asked “the multiple times I’ve cried myself to sleep telling you i feel like you aren’t attracted to me, why would you not vocalize your concern for the baby instead of just saying you’re tired????”

I just don’t even know where to go from here.

He walks in the bathroom and i just assume he’s watching porn again. If he touches me now i feel like it’s because he’s caught and is trying to be a kiss ass. If he would try anything in bed with me i would just assume he saw it in a porno.

I even sat down with him and asked him what kind of porn he likes. And what he watches. And he says “regular porn idk. I don’t remember what the video was i was watching....”

so you were jacking yourself off but don’t remember what to? A girl going solo? Girl on girl? Girl getting gang banged??? Like wtf is it that you watch and that you like ????

He still says “i don’t remember.”

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying so hard to have an open conversation. I’m trying to have a healthy sex life. I’m so confused.