A Sub but not really?

Let me preface this by saying i work in a sex shop. I’m versed in many different lifestyles and have no issues talking about sex. Also, this is a bit long.

My husband is vanilla. Very vanilla. I’m not expecting a lot but I do want to have a happy sex life. We are both in our 40s and married a while so we need to concentrate on each other. Our kids are older. They’re no longer the worst cock blockers on planet earth.

Anyway, so I’m pretty clear what I want from him. I want to orgasm first, I love a good finger bang and whatever kind of fucking after that is just a bonus. I’d like to switch positions a few times, etc.

He however, enjoys it when I cuff his hands up and tease him before we play. A couple times I’ve tried to be assertive with him. He just doesn’t listen. Like I’ll tell him not to touch me until i say so and he will still do it over and over.

So I attempted to have a real conversation with him about his submissive traits. Does he want to be soft restrained? Heavy? Does he want to feel like i own him or does he want me to treat him like a slave? What intrigues him? His answer? Whatever you want. I’m down with.

Now, I’m not a Dom. I’m just his wife and i want to please him as much as he wants to please me and if that means that every so often I play into his fantasy then that’s what I’ll do.

However it does NOT “get me off” to dominate him and I don’t want to guess what he wants and he just doesn’t know what to tell me.

Working where i do, I know there are a thousand different bondage products and a handful of different uses for each of them. I simply do not want to buy a $75 immobilizing collar if he isn’t into it. Hah.

He likes to be tied up but doesn’t respond well to being told what to do. Part of me wants to hard tie him and gag him and just make him understand I want ANSWERS.

What the hell do I need to do to get him to actually tell me what he wants? I told him he should just watch a ton of fetish porn and link me to the stuff he likes so i can figure it out.

Any advice in this community would be appreciated hah. I’m frustrated.