I struggled so hard at first..

The past year has been an absolute whirlwind. In December of 2018, I found out that I was pregnant. My husband and I were overjoyed! We'd been trying for a little bit and we were so excited to announce the pregnancy to our families for Christmas. Everyone was thrilled and we couldn't wait to start this new chapter in our lives. Then the morning sickness started, and I first I told myself to suck it up because everyone gets morning sickness, right? Well then I started puking between 20-30 times a day and had horrible, constant nausea that never went away. After a week or so of that, I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor, who immediately sent me to the ER for fluids because I was so dehydrated that my kidneys were beginning to malfunction. It turns out that I had a bad case of HG, and I dealt with that for the next 7.5 months. Unfortunately, being confined to the toilet put me into a depression. I finally stopped throwing up and weaned myself off of my HG meds around 34 weeks. Then I could finally enjoy my pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I had a traumatic labor, which seemed to send me back into depression. Life seemed so surreal to me for a couple weeks after my daughter's birth, I didn't feel like a mother, I just felt dead. I was on a lot of meds due to a bad infection from a retained placenta and it was difficult to walk or stand for those first couple weeks. On top of that, my poor baby would do nothing but scream at night and no matter what I did, nothing seemed to help her. I was so exhausted and my mind was blank. I felt so lost and disconnected from the world. I felt so angry towards her, even though it wasn't her fault.

My husband took twelve days off of work when she was born to help me, and he did absolutely everything around the house so that I could rest and heal. But he obviously had to go back and I struggled immensely when he was gone. He could tell that I wasn't feeling the greatest, but I assured him that I was fine and never told him about how depressed I felt. I didn't want him to worry about me, I felt like a burden already.

Nobody warned me about feeling that way. I was scared. I felt so alone and I felt so guilty about not being the mother I imagined that I would be.

But the first time my baby girl smiled at me, I sobbed. I couldn't believe that something so beautiful and innocent came from me. At that moment, I realized that she was the most perfect human being ever created, and she was mine. I was chosen to be her mother, and she needs me. Every time I look at her now, my heart swells with a love that I've never felt before. I can't describe how happy and proud she makes me. I love her more than life itself. She's my light in the dark, my star. My beautiful Miriam Estelle💖💖