“Wait and see, he’ll make it all better by tomorrow”

The final line of my last post, about 48 hours ago.

24 hours ago I was not knowing what was going on until I realised I was screaming at the top of my lungs for I still don’t know how long and had likely became unconscious from him pinning me down and pushing his hand into my face so hard that I couldn’t even cry out, twisted my neck so far to the left I was sure I was dead. I apologise if this is too graphic or needs to be taken down, I’ve left a lot out but I came on here as I can’t sleep, I saw the one response to my last post and thanked that person for caring, I didn’t know what was coming, it was never at a point of extreme violence.

I could also be pregnant. He knew that. I’m hoping not but that’s another loss, my relationship, my hopes of a child and a life we had, and I’ve lost my power. He held me and mocked me showing how weak I was.

I’m trying to get that power back. I made the statement I didn’t want to make. The police are arresting him and he’s being charged with aggravated assault and intent to cause grievous bodily harm. I’ll probably never see him again as I’m going to court for a more permanent restraining order in the morning as the police have one in place now. I feel like I’m to blame still, I know he’ll get away with it somehow, but I’m going to fight it with everything I have because I am strong. Underneath the tears the bruises and the pain and shock... I will do everything I can. It’s terrifying and I’m scared he could kill me, from such a deep love to this I cannot comprehend.

I’m sorry if I’ve triggered anyone, I wanted to share some of my experiences and how quick things can change. Within minutes the person who is everything to you can make the decision to endanger your life, with their own hands.

To anyone that is experiencing any form of abuse or toxicity in your relationship please take a step back and think about it. If there’s a pattern, even if it starts as something you think is small. It can be emotional, verbal, controlling. Making you feel worthless. It’s not just a physical act.

I made the decision to give him a chance after we had an altercation last month that left me physically hurt, that was in public though. I trusted something or was just blind by the promises of love and apologies but he still never took his responsibility for it, nor will he now IMO. I will never be with him again. The love of my life, I have never had such a connection with anyone in my 36 years has turned into something I could never imagine.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I’m hanging on by doing everything I have to to try and be safe. And there is no reason for anyone to endure such pain. This post I won’t end with a prediction like my last. Because his “fixing everything” almost turned out to be eliminating me from existing.