A rough few weeks

Today I’m 37 weeks today and I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy. I can’t complain. Of course I’ve had the normal aches and pains but otherwise it’s been pretty textbook, but the last three weeks have definitely been emotionally draining me.

My newly 2 year old had a horrible bout of RSV last year around this time. She was hospitalized in the pediatric ICU for a week from 11/15-11/22 last year. Besides the obvious terror we felt for our one year old, she’s been left with many asthma symptoms even a full year later. After a lot of sleepless nights over the past year, we’ve finally gotten an official diagnosis but every time we think we get her meds straightened out there’s a new development. Three weeks ago she started having asthma attacks at night that would last 2-3 hours every night. Our pediatrician was out of town and the on-call pediatrician repeatedly brushed us off. We finally made an independent appointment with a specialist and agreed to pay out of pocket if our pediatric office wouldn’t grant us a referral (they did in the end). I am the daughter of a retired pediatrician and an epidemiologist, so I’m very familiar with infectious diseases; I was adamant something was very wrong beyond our daughter having a cold and couldn’t believe the on-call pediatrician was so quick to ignore us. I have spent days crying and worrying over this. Finally last week after consulting the specialist we had a full week with no asthma attacks.

The day we hit a week without an attack, my dad was found at his job by a coworker (he’s a professor at a medical school) sweating profusely outside in 30 F degree weather surrounded by vomit and barely responsive. They rushed him to the ER and while everything has turned out ok, it still has just taken a massive emotional toll on me; I’m a complete daddy’s girl. He was finally released from the hospital after four days of monitoring and my daughters asthma attacks started up the next day again, despite having been on pretty strong meds this whole time.

I just feel ready to crack. I am not normally someone who caves easily to stress and I’m usually always a glass half full type of person, but watching my innocent two year old and awesome dad suffer, while obviously being very emotional with all sorts of late-pregnancy hormones is putting me to the test.

I selfishly am terrified we’re not going to get my daughter’s asthma under control before I have this new baby, because I don’t think I have the strength to do middle of the night asthma treatments and handle a newborn. Everyone keeps asking if I’m excited for this sweet boy to arrive and I feel terrible because I’m not... I am so scared that everything is about to blow up in my face! How can I bring a sweet baby into such a mess. Three weeks ago I couldn’t wait for him to be here and now I’m praying he stays in as long as possible