Still grieving..

Little backstory..

My grandad had a rare cancer when he was younger, and was 1 in only 7 survivors in the world (at the time of him getting the all clear) however his treatments killed off absolutely all of his immune system. He then got diagnosed with kidney failure a few years ago, heart failures year, eventually full organ failure, had cancerous cells found in his body and he was slowly dying by this point so he chose to retract from all treatments.. he passed in may of this year, and we had the funeral on the 7th of June. He's had so many medical issues throughout his life I could sit here and write a book about them alone if I had the time.. just know he wasn't a well man. However he was a happy man.

My older brother and his girlfriend are expecting a baby girl any day now(infact her due date was the 14th it's now the 17th.) Before he passed he knew about the baby, he knew he was a great grandad.

But I found out I was pregnant too a few days after his funeral. And I can't help but continue to think that he left this earth not knowing about my son.

I'm not a supernatural person in the slightest. But the way I knew my baby was a boy from the moment I found out I was pregnant was by waking up in the middle of the night and watching a baby blue light just flicker about and then fly into the booklet from the funeral on the memorial I have for my grandad.

I know what I saw.

Sometimes I don't believe it myself. Because I dont believe in that kind of stuff. At all. But I know what I saw.

So part of me wants to believe my grandad knew I'd go down hill so badly (I'm a recovered addict) that he sent me my son to keep me where I need to be.

But the logical part of my brain just keeps digging deeper into the whole "he's never going to know about my son" side of things..