(Shittiest thanksgiving) ME AGAIN.

Thanks for everyone’s comments it’s given me enough courage to not go back and to start figuring things out on my own finally.

BUT

I need help because I have absolutely no idea where to start or go

I’m dreading and scared of going to a shelter because I won’t know anyone I’ll feel very lonely overall.

But I need to do something

If I don’t he WILL come at me court wise or calling cps on me

He’s threatened me multiple times before if I were to ever leave him and take my daughter he would fight for full custody because I’m “crazy” or “mentally unstable” and my past.

My self harm

My drug abuse (I’m 100% clean from both ever since I found out I was pregnant in nov 2018 I haven’t touch either of those and I plan to keep it that way)

I’m not denying it though I do have my mental issues because of a lot of trauma I went through growing up and my teenage years especially

but I’ve started getting help by going to therapy recently and it was a HUGE step for me

and he promised when I did he’d give me a key and let me keep it and just overall make me feel like I have a home

but that didn’t turn out as planned (previous post)

Anyways I’m doing all of that to better my mental health for myself and my daughter now more than anything it was for him too because the past two years I did put him through a lot because of all my breakdowns and outburst. I stuck around too because I thought he must really love me if he stuck around through my issues but we’re both toxic and I just know its not gonna work anymore no matter how hard either of us try. He always told me he doesnt want my daughter having to grow up with two separate everything’s but honesty itsbetter than her having to grow up with toxic parents who arent good for each other

I watched my parents stay together for us and let me tell you that did far more damage than anything I have such a bad perception of love now because of it. Anyways again I HAVE to be put in a stable home ASAP or somewhere I won’t get her taken from me I’m scared because I don’t know where to start I have zero resources and zero money.

But I figured I could come on here and ask for people to help me figure this out I’d be extremely grateful

Im 19 I’ll be 20 in March my daughter is 4 months almost 5 and i was born in the Arizona and loved here since

when I’ve talked to cops before because they were involved a couple times in our relationship and they told me Arizona is a women’s state

Meaning as long as I’m not married to him I have full and legal custody until he takes it to court and established paternity.

Ive told him he doesnt have to take this to court I’d be 100% willing to co-parent and work everything out but no it’s his way or no way.

I’m just so tired everything I’ve been through prior to our relationship & pregnancy drained me

I’ve been struggling all my life and now to have to struggle WITH my daughter makes me feel like shit

People have told me to just leave her with him but how could I

I know she’d be better and he’d be able to support her more than me right now but that’s my babygirl I love her more than anything in this entire world she’s helped me overcome so much and without her being with me honestly and truthfully I wouldn’t have any purpose to stick around.

I’ve been told she’d be better off without me by him whenever we fought and I had my meltdowns he told me she’d grow up to hate me because of my mental health and what I put her through and ever since I heard that from him out of all people it’s repeats in my head daily.

honestly my mental health never got this bad until I got together with him

I was just too stupid to leave

in my head I always said no ones gonna love me so I’ll take it.

I’m an idiot I know

But now I’m slowly realizing my worth and I know for a fact my daughter doesn’t deserve this.

But there’s days where I’m so sad and those words repeat I just think she really doesn’t deserve me as a mom. I’m such a mess right now and I have absolutely no one to talk to

All my friends were males because they were the only people that made it out of high school friends with me but he made me get rid of them.

Zero people to talk to

Zero resources

Zero money

I just need help to start somewhere I know once I have that help to start I’ll try my VERY best to get up and give her everything she wants and needs.

Part of me wants to prove him wrong then there’s that sad part of me that gets the best of me making me believe what he told me.

Again I’m just a mess but I just want to be okay for me and her.