Warning: Long post ahead! Please no rude comments. I’m just sharing how I felt while experiencing ppd.

They all thought I was okay. I just had a baby, why wouldn’t I be happy? I have an amazing husband, supportive parents and in-laws, and more than enough for the baby thanks to family and friends. But I wasn’t happy. I mean, I was, but I wasn’t if that makes sense. I was over the moon about having a newborn at home. I was looking forward to watching him grow and develop and my dreams of having a little family with the love of my life had finally came true. But yet I couldn’t find joy. I smiled but it felt forced.

They saw the glowing mom during the day that was up walking just hours after an unplanned c-section but they didn’t see the woman crying in pain at night as she had to pull her aching body up to tend to the baby. They saw the first family pictures on Facebook with all smiles and joy but they didn’t see the embarrassment and guilt when the lactation consultant shook her finger and said “Did you not read the papers I brought you?!” the ones that were amongst what seemed like hundreds of other papers that made my eyes cross just trying to take it all in. I’m a new mom. There’s so much to learn and she expected me to be an expert from reading a pamphlet.

They saw a body that seemed to have just “snapped back” after giving birth but they didn’t see the mama that hates her new body and deep down wishes that cesarian scar wasn’t there. They saw an excited Nana but they didn’t see the MIL who is constantly touching the baby when she’s around him and the mama wishing she would step back and give him room to breathe.

Everyone saw the happy new mom and dad but no one saw the lack of intimacy and fights due to the rise in hormones and the time needed to heal. Everyone saw the mama that “still had it” with her cute little outfits and makeup but they didn’t see the woman staring blankly in the mirror wishing she wasn’t alive.

Then I had had enough and the mood changed. I couldn’t handle all of the people coming over each week. My social anxiety couldn’t handle it. All I wanted was it to be me, my hubby, and the baby. I was sleep deprived. Being in the hospital for 3 days is exhausting. There’s no rest when someone is coming in every few hours to take blood, give medicine, check BP and push out blood clots. I was in a lot of pain from being cut open. My nipples were cracked and swollen from cluster feeding. Breastfeeding literally drained me. My head would hit whatever was behind it when I was nursing because I fell asleep every time. And when visitors came did they leave when I needed to nurse? Nope.

I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin from my hormones raging. Everything set me off. Things that never bothered me now sent me over the edge. And many people asked my husband “What’s wrong with her?” “Is she mad at me?” And said “She hurt my feelings.” But no one took the time to consider my feelings. No one took a moment to think about what my body had just went through; how I was feeling physically and mentally. I didn’t want to be rude and snappy, that’s not like me at all, but I literally couldn’t control it. I had to get up and leave the room a few times while people were over just to keep the peace. And the people that were asking were older moms. Ones that should remember something about what it is like to have just had a baby. They may not remember what it was like being a first time parent but they should remember something about having a new baby at home.

Postpartum depression is more common in people that had an unplanned c-section. I labored for 12 hours then pushed for 30 minutes before they realized the baby was breech and I would have to have a c-section. I was crushed. Everything had been going so well. I’m thankful nothing serious happened but what I pictured my birth experience to be had completely changed.

Things are better now but I wish people would have asked me if I was okay. Asked me if they could help with anything. And not with the baby, plenty asked about helping with him, but what does MAMA need? Mamas are pushed to the side when baby comes and everyone forgets what the mom just experienced. Then when she makes her requests for how visitors should handle the baby she is considered “rude”, “selfish”, and “hormonal”. PPD sucks and I hope that more people learn what it is and understand the symptoms so they can help others and seek help for themselves.